Quotes from Sue Johnson

Yet another study found that women who had had a heart attack stood a threefold higher risk of having another if there was discord in their marriage.

Generally in love, sharing even negative emotions, provided they don't get out of hand, is more useful than emotional absence. Lack of response just fires up the primal panic of the other partner. As James tells Vincent, "I get so I just want to strike out at you to prove that you can't just turn me off.

We need validation from our loved ones. Researchers say that marital distress raises the risk for depression tenfold!

Her brain imaging studies show that rejection and exclusion trigger the same circuits in the same part of the brain, the anterior cingulate, as physical pain.

As George Santayana pointed out, it is often "wisdom to believe the heart.

As lovers, we poise together delicately on a tightrope. When the winds of doubt and fear begin blowing, if we panic and clutch at each other or abruptly turn away and head for cover, the rope sways more and more and our balance becomes even more precarious. To stay on the rope, we must shift with each other's moves, respond to each other's emotions. As we connect, we balance each other. We are in emotional equilibrium.

How did this way of dealing with emotion work to keep the most important relationships in your life intact?

Strife is better than loneliness." — Irish proverb

Standing up in front of all your close family and friends and putting a ring on each other's finger is a statement of your intention to be this person's love and home.

Underneath all the distress, partners are asking each other: Can I count on you, depend on you? Are you there for me? Will you respond to me when I need, when I call? Do I matter to you? Am I valued and accepted by you? Do you need me, rely on me?

For all of us, the person we love most in the world, the one who can send us soaring joyfully into space, is also the person who can send us crashing back to earth.

when you feel pain from your raw spot, are there ghosts standing behind your lover?

When a relationship is in free fall, men typically talk of feeling rejected, inadequate, and a failure; women of feeling abandoned and unconnected. Women do appear to have one additional response that emerges when they are distressed. Researchers call it "tend and befriend." Perhaps because they have more oxytocin, the cuddle hormone, in their blood, women reach out more to others when they feel a lack of connection.

It helps to remember that in love, mistakes are inevitable. We all sometimes miss our loved ones' calls for closeness. We all find ourselves distracted. We all get stuck in our own fear or anger and fail to catch loved ones as they fall. There is no perfect soul mate, no flawless lover. We are all stumbling around, treading on each other's toes as we are learning to love.

The demise of marriages begins with a growing absence of responsive intimate interactions. The conflict comes later.

Even though we are programmed by millions of years of evolution to relentlessly seek out belonging and intimate connection, we persist in defining healthy people as those who do not need others.

out? I'll swing like always and you duck if you can. Both feel bad then. Do we need to do it? Or can we just start over?" Uncle Sid nodded solemnly, softly muttered, "No doozy, no ducking," and then, "Lovely pudding, Doris.

They find tending to a child unsatisfying and frustrating when it interferes with their personal interests and activities. Their complaints are not centered on a partner's lack of support—they dismiss their need for support most of the time—but rather on their own irritation and discomfort.

The loosening begins with small moments of missed connection and a growing sense of deprivation.

Injuries may be forgiven, but they never disappear. Instead, in the best outcome, they become integrated into couples' attachment stories as demonstrations of renewal and connection.

We know that love makes us vulnerable, but also that we are never as safe and strong as when we are sure we are loved. We know

The message of EFT is simple: Forget about learning how to argue better, analyzing your early childhood, making grand romantic gestures, or experimenting with new sexual positions. Instead, recognize and admit that you are emotionally attached to and dependent on your partner in much the same way that a child is on a parent for nurturing, soothing, and protection.

The overall conclusion: a sense of secure connection between romantic partners is key in positive loving relationships and a huge source of strength for the individuals in those relationships. Among the more significant findings:

It's Hard to Kiss the Lips at Night that Chew Your Ass Out All Day Long.