Quotes from Sue Johnson

Openness to new experience and flexibility of belief seems to be easier when we feel safe and connected to others. Curiosity comes out of a sense of safety; rigidity out of being vigilant to threats.

When we stonewall, the most extreme version of dismissal and nonresponsiveness, we mostly do so in order to cut off our emotions; we freeze and retreat into numbness. But when one dancer completely leaves the floor, the dance is no more. This catapults the remaining dancer into the terror of insignificance and abandonment.

Find the Bad Guy is a dead-end pattern of mutual blame that effectively keeps a couple miles apart, blocking reengagement and the creation of a safe haven.

I feel so hopeless when I can't get through to you. I have never felt so lonely, not even when I lived alone." Sarah's message is urgent but Tim doesn't get it. He finds her "too emotional." But that is the point. We are never more emotional than when our primary love relationship is threatened. Sarah desperately needs to reconnect with Tim. Tim is desperately afraid that he has lost that intimacy with Sarah—connection is vital to him as well.

Marriage researchers have labeled this next dance Demand-Withdraw or Criticize-Defend. I call it the Protest Polka because I see it as a reaction to or, more accurately, a protest against the loss of the sense of secure attachment that we all need in a relationship

I never saw the whole picture. I just knew he wasn't close to me. I saw him as not caring. Now I see how he was ducking my bullets and trying to calm me down. I shoot when I get desperate and can't get a reaction any other way.

The third dance is Freeze and Flee, or as we sometimes call it in EFT, Withdraw-Withdraw. This usually happens after the Protest Polka has been going on for a while in a relationship, when dancers feel so hopeless that they begin to give up and put their own emotions and needs in the deep freeze, leaving only numbness and distance.

These negative patterns always started when one partner tried to reach for the other and could not make safe emotional contact.

Loving connection is the only safety nature ever offers us.

When safe connection seems lost, partners go into fight-or-flight mode. They blame and get aggressive to get a response, any response, or they close down and try not to care. Both are terrified; they are just dealing with it differently. Trouble is, once they start this blame-distance loop, it confirms all their fears and adds to their sense of isolation.

what I call the Content Tube. This is where partners bring up detailed example after detailed example of each other's failures to prove their point. The couple fight over whether these details are "true" and whose bad behavior "started this.

Remember that the facts of a fight (whether it's a fight about the kids' schedule, your sex life, your careers) aren't the real issue. The real concern is always the strength and security of the emotional bond you have with your partner. It is about accessibility, responsiveness, and emotional engagement.

To help them recognize their Demon Dialogue, I suggest that they: • Stay in the present and focus on what is happening between them right now. • Look at the circle of criticism that spins both of them around. There is no true "start" to a circle. • Consider the circle, the dance, as their enemy and the consequences of not breaking the circle.

Positive emotions remind us at such times that suffering and uncertainty are not the whole story in any human life. Positive emotions and beliefs fuel resilience and help us bounce back from adversity. They generate even more positive emotions in an upward spiral. This is surely part of the power of love. Love, at its best, brings a cornucopia of good things: joy and contentment, safety and trust, intense interest and involvement, curiosity and openness.

When partners tell me that they cannot be considerate of and watch out for each other with everyday acts of caring, I worry. When they tell me that they are not making love, I am concerned. But when they tell me that they do not touch, I know they are really in trouble.

I remember thinking how often we look, but never see…we listen, but never hear…we exist, but never feel. We take our relationships for granted. A house is only a place. It has no life of its own. It needs human voices, activity, and laughter to come alive. —Erma Bombeck

Until we address the fundamental need for connection and the fear of losing it, the standard techniques, such as learning problem solving or communication skills, examining childhood hurts, or taking time-outs, are misguided and ineffectual.

Monogamy is not only possible, it is our natural state.

If we cannot name and accept our own attachment needs, sending clear messages to others when those needs are hot is impossible.

Emotion, we've discovered, is a sharp, smart force that organizes and elevates our lives. It is what transforms existence into experience. "I do not literally paint that table but the emotion it produces upon me," observed Matisse.

Generally in love, sharing even negative emotions, provided they don't get out of hand, is more useful than emotional absence.

have to do this. Let's stop. Come over and just let's have a hug.' And she did. It felt great." I asked

Instead, recognize and admit that you are emotionally attached to and dependent on your partner in much the same way that a child is on a parent for nurturing, soothing, and protection. Adult attachments may be more reciprocal and less centered on physical contact, but the nature of the emotional bond is the same.

You will learn that rejection and abandonment are danger cues that plunge us into real physical pain, that sexual infatuation and novelty are overrated, and that even the most distressed couples can repair their bond if they are guided to deal with their emotions a little differently.