Quotes from Sue Johnson

It is not for people who are in abusive or violent relationships, nor for those with serious addictions or in long-term affairs; such activities undermine the ability to positively engage with partners.

Emotion apprises us that something vital to our welfare is occurring. We are bombarded by hundreds of thousands of stimuli every second of every day. Emotion automatically and reflexively sorts through the barrage, picking out what matters and steering us to the appropriate action. Our feelings guide us in issues large and small; they tell us what we want, what our preferences are, and what we need.

The foundation of contented, sustained relationships is the faith that your partner is there for you.

Those who felt that their needs were accepted by their partners were more confident about solving problems on their own and were more likely to successfully achieve their own goals.

Love is a constant process of tuning in, connecting, missing and misreading cues, disconnecting, repairing and finding deeper connection.

Underneath all the distress, partners are asking each other: Can I count on you, depend on you? Are you there for me? Will you respond to me when I need, when I call? Do I matter to you? Am I valued and accepted by you? Do you need me, rely on me? The anger, the criticism, the demands, are really cries to their lovers, calls to stir their hearts, to draw their mates back in emotionally and reestablish a sense of safe connection.

Attachment theory teaches us that our loved one is our shelter in life. When that person is emotionally unavailable or unresponsive, we face being out in the cold, alone and helpless. We are assailed by emotions—anger, sadness, hurt, and above all, fear. This is not so surprising when we remember that fear is our built-in alarm system; it turns on when our survival is threatened.

These strategies for dealing with the fear of losing connection are unconscious, and they work, at least in the beginning. But as distressed partners resort to them more and more, they set up vicious spirals of insecurity that only push them further and further apart. More and more interactions occur in which neither partner feels safe, both become defensive, and each is left assuming the very worst about each other and their relationship.

Abide with me; fast falls the eventide; The darkness deepens; still with me abide. When other helpers fail and comforts flee, Help of the helpless, O abide with me.

Any partner we choose will hurt us at one time or another. No relationship, even the most ideal, has unwaveringly smooth sailing; there will always be squalls and storms that roil the waters.

The longer partners feel disconnected, the more negative their interactions become

Loving families are the basis of a humane society. As the poet Roberto Sosa writes, "Blessed are the lovers, for theirs is the grain of sand that sustains the center of the seas." The widening circle of engagement with and responsiveness to others does not stop with our immediate loved ones or even with the future families they create. It continues to spread out, to help create more caring communities and, ultimately, a more caring world.

We said we'd walk together baby come what may That come the twilight should we lose our way If as we're walkin' a hand should slip free I'll wait for you And should I fall behind Wait for me —Bruce Springsteen

By far the most dominant of the trio is the Protest Polka. In this dialogue, one partner becomes critical and aggressive and the other defensive and distant. Psychologist John Gottman of the University of Washington in Seattle finds that couples who get stuck in this pattern in the first few years of marriage have more than an 80 percent chance of divorcing within four or five years.

Good relationships in childhood do not mean that our emotional life becomes consistently even and positive, but it does mean that we are more likely to discover that our negative emotions are workable and useful and that our positive emotions can be trusted and rejoiced in.

Feeling connected, feeling with someone goes hand in hand with feeling for that person.

Love can begin in a thousand ways—with a glance, a stare, a whisper or smile, a compliment, or an insult. It continues with caresses and kisses, or maybe frowns and fights. It ends with silence and sadness, frustration and rage, tears, and even, sometimes, joy and laughter. It can last just hours or days, or endure through years and beyond death. It is something we look for, or it finds us. It can be our salvation or our ruin. Its presence exalts us, and its loss or absence desolates us.

As the poet E. E. Cummings observed, "Always a more beautiful answer that asks a more beautiful question.

Partners sometimes can see glimpses of the Demon Dialogue they're trapped in—Jim tells me he "knows" he will hear how he has disappointed Carol before she even speaks and so has put up a "wall" to keep from "catching fire"—but the pattern has become so automatic and so compelling that they cannot stop it. Most couples, however, aren't aware of the pattern that has taken hold of their relationship.

As biologist Frans de Waal points out, "We would not be here today had our ancestors been socially aloof." We have survived by caring and cooperating.

When a relationship is in free fall, men typically talk of feeling rejected, inadequate, and a failure; women of feeling abandoned and unconnected.

Seeking out and giving support are so vital to human beings that social psychologists Mario Mikulincer and Phil Shaver observe that, rather than being called Homo sapiens, or "one who knows," we should be named Homo auxiliator vel accipio auxilium, or "one who helps or receives help." To be even more accurate, I say we should be called Homo vinculum—"one who bonds.

When marriages fail, it is not increasing conflict that is the cause. It is decreasing affection and emotional responsiveness

A person's "heart withers if it does not answer another heart." —Pearl S. Buck