Quotes from Gavin de Becker

We must learn and then teach our children that niceness does not equal goodness. Niceness is a decision, a strategy of social interaction; it is not a character trait.

Some of these persistent people suffer from delusions, the very definition of which explains why they don't let go: a false belief that cannot be shaken even in the face of compelling contrary evidence.

The proctor buys a pupil ices And hopes the boy will not resist, When he attempts to practice vices Few people even know exist.

children died that same week at the hands of a parent, just like every week—and most of them were under 5 years old. Four million luckier children were physically abused last year

The face tells us subtleties in feelings that only a poet can put into words.

By way of analogy, when you are driving on a slippery mountain road at night, you do not manage the hazard by getting out and drying off the pavement—you slow down through the dangerous curves. When dealing with people who won't let go, that means having strategies in place to lessen the likelihood of unwanted encounters. You change what you can and stop trying to change what you cannot.

You are an animal of nature, fully endowed with hearing, sight, intellect, and dangerous defenses. You are not easy prey, so don't act like you are.

The defense for too many details is simple: bring the context into conscious thought.

if you never make a decision, you can't make a mistake). It

Pain and fear are necessary and valuable components of life. Suffering and worry are destructive and unnecessary components of life.

An unhappy child not getting comfort or support at home will look for it somewhere else. Next

Though we live in space-age times, we still have stone-age minds. We are competitive and territorial and violent

needs to have the ability to stand up and leave if it is no longer productive to stay.

The next signal I explain to Kelly is one I call loan-sharking: "He wanted to be allowed to help you because that would place you in his debt, and the fact that you owe a person something makes it hard to ask him to leave you alone.

If you let someone talk you out of the word "no," you might as well wear a sign that reads, "You are in charge.

I understand you are upset, but the things you are talking about are not your style. I know you are far too reasonable and have too good a future to even consider such things.

The worst response when someone fails to accept "no" is to give ever-weakening refusals and then give in.

If you took away James's obsession with Judas Priest, you would have just another young man with goals and ambitions that changed day to day, with unrealistic expectations of the world, and without the perseverance or self-discipline to succeed at any endeavor.

Trust that what causes alarm probably should, because when it comes to danger, intuition is always right in at least two important ways: 1. It is always in response to something. 2. It always has your best interest at heart.

Your suspicion alone is more than enough justification for preventing time alone with your child. You

In the brilliant book Emotional Intelligence, Daniel Goleman describes seven key abilities most beneficial for human beings: the ability to motivate ourselves, to persist against frustration, to delay gratification, to regulate moods, to hope, to empathize, and to control impulse.

Sexual predators often start with nonsexual touch to desensitize their targets. It might be "accidental" touch, or hugs, pats, strokes, hair-brushing, holding. A

In fact, if perceived as a rude woman, you are far less attractive a target than a polite one.

Counter-threats engage the threatener and put you on his playing field. You want exactly the opposite, which is to disengage and to play by your rules.