Quotes from Gavin de Becker

A Natural History of the Senses, author Diane Ackerman says, "The brain is a good stagehand. It gets on with its work while we're busy acting out our scenes.

Humor, particularly dark humor, is a common way to communicate true concern without the risk of feeling silly afterwards, and without overtly showing fear. But

The Unsolicited Promise When the man volunteered, "I promise we'll look after him," he gave one of the most reliable signals of trouble. Promises are used to convince us of an intention, but they are not guarantees. A guarantee offers some compensation if the speaker fails to deliver, but promises offer no such collateral. They are the very hollowest instruments of speech, showing nothing more than the speaker's desire to convince you of something.

THE MESSENGERS OF INTUITION Nagging feelings Persistent thoughts Humor Wonder Anxiety Curiosity Hunches Gut feelings Doubt Hesitation

Generally speaking, rapport-building has a far better reputation than it deserves. It is perceived as admirable when in fact it is almost always done for self-serving reasons.

Many experts lose the creativity and imagination of the less informed. They are so intimately familiar with known patterns that they may fail to recognize or respect the importance of the new wrinkle. The process of applying expertise is, after all, the editing out of unimportant details in favor of those known to be relevant.

Charm is almost always a directed instrument, which, like rapport-building, has motive.

The truth is that every thought is preceded by a perception, every impulse is preceded by a thought, every action is preceded by an impulse, and man is not so private a being that his behavior is unseen, his patterns undetectable.

Rule #1. The very fact that you fear something is solid evidence that it is not happening.

Media changes—human nature does not. Violence and predation have been a part of human life for millions of years.

We must learn and then teach our children that niceness does not equal goodness.

We have a Department of Justice, but it would be more appropriate to have a department of violence prevention because that's what we need and that's what we care about. Justice is swell, but safety is survival.

Often, knowing the language of a given prediction is more important than understanding exactly what a person says.

Most men fear getting laughed at or humiliated by a romantic prospect while most women fear rape and death.

intuition is always right in at least two important ways; It is always in response to something. it always has your best interest at heart

I encourage people to remember that "no" is a complete sentence.

It is understandable that the perspectives of men and women on safety are so different--men and women live in different worlds...at core, men are afraid women will laugh at them, while at core, women are afraid men will kill them.

No" is a word that must never be negotiated, because the person who chooses not to hear it is trying to control you.

Niceness is a decision, a strategy of social interaction; it is not a character trait.

There's a lesson in real-life stalking cases that young women can benefit from learning: persistence only proves persistence—it does not prove love. The fact that a romantic pursuer is relentless doesn't mean you are special—it means he is troubled.

Denial is a save now, pay later scheme.

Only human beings can look directly at something, have all the information they need to make an accurate prediction, perhaps even momentarily make the accurate prediction, and then say that it isn't so.

At core, men are afraid women will laugh at them, while at core, women are afraid men will kill them.

I've successfully lobbied and testified for stalking laws in several states, but I would trade them all for a high school class that would teach young men how to hear "no," and teach young women that it's all right to explicitly reject.