Quotes About Santa

Yesterday a woman had her son pee into a cup, which of course tipped over. "That's fine," I said, "but Santa's also going to need a stool sample.

Missing a nose. With these children Santa has to be careful not to ask, And what would you like for Christmas?

At noon a huge crowd of retarded people came to visit Santa and passed me on my little island. These people were profoundly retarded. They were rolling their eyes and wagging their tongues and staggering toward Santa. It was a large group of retarded people and after watching them for a few minutes I could not begin to guess where the retarded people ended and the regular New Yorkers began. Everyone looks retarded once you set your mind to it.

I said that Santa no longer traffics in coal. Instead, if you're bad he comes to your house and steals things.

Last year a woman decided she wanted a picture of her cat sitting on Santa's lap, so she smuggled it into Macy's in a duffel bag. The cat sat on Santa's lap for five seconds before it shot out the door, and it took six elves forty-five minutes before they found it in the kitchen of the employee cafeteria.

A child came to Santa this morning and his mother said, "All right, Jason. Tell Santa what you want. Tell him what you want." Jason said, "I … want … Prokton and … Gamble to … stop animal testing." The mother said, "Proctor, Jason, that's Proctor and Gamble. And what do they do to animals? Do they torture animals, Jason? Is that what they do?" Jason said, Yes, they torture. He was probably six years old.

SANTA HAS A TUMOR IN HIS HEAD THE SIZE OF AN OLIVE. MAYBE IT WILL GO AWAY TOMORROW BUT I DON'T THINK SO.

I stopped keeping an eye out for Santa Claus on Christmas Eve because, when I was five, my mother told me that Santa was a wicked pervert who would cut off my peepee with a pair of scissors...if I didn't stop chattering about him, he would be certain to put me on his list and look me up. Christmas was never the same after that, but at least I still have my peepee.

You better watch out. You better not cry. You better not pout, I'm telling you why, Cause Santa Clause might put a cap in your ass.

So if there was a Santa Claus, what would you ask him for?" he asked. You, she nearly said. She'd want him for Christmas and no take backs.

Oh wow!" Maggie exclaimed. "Santa's real! And he left me a bike!

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.

No sane local official who has hung up an empty stocking over the municipal fireplace is going to shoot Santa Claus just before a hard Christmas.

Santa knows Physics: Of all colors, Red Light penetrates fog best. That's why Benny the Blue-nosed reindeer never got the gig.

Not believe in Santa Claus! You might as well not believe in fairies!

I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white dude would come into my neighborhood after dark.

The stockings were hung by the chimney with care, In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there.

Now, 'Dasher!' now, 'Dancer!' now, 'Prancer' and 'Vixen!' On, 'Comet!' on, 'Cupid!' on, 'Donner' and 'Blitzen!'

Here comes Santa Claus! Here comes Santa Claus! Right down Santa Claus Lane!

Whenever you give someone a present or sing a holiday song, you're helping Santa Claus. To me, that's what Christmas is all about. Helping Santa Claus!

Aren't we forgeting the true meaning of Christmas? You know, the birth of Santa.

My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.

A born terror, a rebel without a pause... Ain't never had a good Christmas, so who is Santa Claus?

Not everyone who sells Christmas trees believes in Santa Claus.