Quotes About Author

Truth is mighty and will prevail. There is nothing wrong with this, except that it ain't so.

Persons attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be prosecuted; persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished; persons attempting to find a plot in it will be shot.

I shall never use profanity except in discussing house rent and taxes.

Ignorant people think it is the noise which fighting cats make that is so aggravating, but it ain't so; it is the sickening grammar that they use.

I haven't any right to criticize books, and I don't do it except when I hate them. I often want to criticize Jane Austen, but her books madden me so that I can't conceal my frenzy from the reader; and therefore I have to stop every time I begin. Every time I read Pride and Prejudice I want to dig her up and beat her over the skull with her own shin-bone.

Adam and Eve had many advantages, but the principle one was that they escaped teething.

Those who say truth is stranger than fiction have wasted their time on poorly written fiction.

I like comedy but I guess I don't think [my art] is that funny, either. It's too dark and a bit weird in places to be genuinely, uniformly hilarious and function as comedy.

Charlie Brown is the one person I identify with. C.B. is such a loser. He wasn't even the star of his own Halloween special.

I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract.

What's funny is my husband doesn't have any tattoos at all, so he must be the very conservative one.

Humor is the oxygen of children's literature. There's a lot of competition for children's time, but even kids who hate to read want to read a funny book.

Excuse me, are you the imprint of a departed soul?

I probably am a cranky writer, but I am actually a fairly nice, normal person. Since I'm a grouchy writer, of course I have friends whose books are doing way better than mine.

Umm thanks for the phone. I think I already broke it.

The Bible is the funniest book I have ever read. It's so funny! Right in the first six pages, it's funny!

When it came to writing about wine, I did what almost everybody does - faked it

I'm in no condition to drive...wait! I shouldn't listen to myself, I'm drunk!

Quebec from the boat looked like the ramparts where Hamlet's ghost might have walked.

Do you drink?" "Of course,I just said I was a writer.

Germany are a very difficult team to play... they have eleven internationals out there today.

Big business never pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes.

Unfortunately, the people of Louisiana are not racists.

The space and light up there in Norfolk is wonderfully peaceful. I find myself doing funny things like gardening, and cooking, which I rarely do in London.