Quotes About Life

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

Just beat my record for most consecutive days without dying.

Y'all smoke to enjoy it. I smoke to die.

The attempt to develop a sense of humor and to see things in a humorous light is some kind of a trick learned while mastering the art of living.

The entire universe has been neatly divided into things to (a) mate with, (b) eat, (c) run away from, and (d) rocks.

We all pay for life with death, so everything in between should be free.

My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat.

I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how I got there.

It's good to be here. I'm just trying to go through life without looking stupid. It's not working out too well.

Sometimes the only answer to death is lunch.

The things we laugh at are awful while they are going on, but get funny when we look back. And other people laugh because they've been through it too. The closest thing to humor is tragedy.

I'm fairly certain that YOLO is just Carpe Diem for stupid people.

You can only be young once. But you can always be immature.

If you really believe death leads to eternal bliss then why are you wearing a seatbelt?

When asked in his late 90s if his doctor knew he still smoked, Burns said, 'No ... he's dead.'

God has a most wicked sense of humor.

Bad humor is an evasion of reality; good humor is an acceptance of it.

The stork is voiceless because there is really nothing to say.

I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.

Old age is fifteen years older than I am.

Old people have fewer diseases than the young, but their diseases never leave them.

I'm getting so old my insurance company sends me 1/2 a calendar!

This was my attempt to deter cold callers: "There's no past, there's no future, just one pulsating present... Please leave your message after the tone."

Humor [in a scene] is not jokes. It is that attitude toward being alive without which you would long ago have jumped off the 59th Street Bridge.