Quotes About Humor

I was once hired to write a column for 'The Guardian' and then got fired before I'd submitted my first one. That was unusual. Most newspapers wait until I've written at least one piece for them before firing me.

And I admit it: there's a rather dirty thrill when 700 people laugh at a joke you've written.

Sadly, marriage has become a punchline in today's society. From referring to the wife as 'the old ball and chain' to nearly every poorly written sitcom that we watch, the message we're sending to today's generation is clear... Marriage = no fun.

I love deliberately badly written books.

Words played an important part in my growing up. Not only the written word... but words that flew through the air: jokes, riddles, puns.

If a man is talking in the forest, and there is no woman there to hear him, is he still wrong?

If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.

I never professed to be perfect. I do something wrong or something stupid, I laugh at myself.

Do you know what you call those who use towels and never wash them, eat meals and never do the dishes, sit in rooms they never clean, and are entertained till they drop? If you have just answered, 'A house guest,' you're wrong because I have just described my kids.

You know, I do speak the Queens English. It's just the wrong Queens that's all. It's over the 59th Street Bridge. It's not over the Atlantic Ocean.

Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?

Remember that film 'Sliding Doors,' when John Hannah woos Gwyneth Paltrow by reciting Monty Python sketches? I can tell you now that doesn't work, so that film's wrong.

I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something is wrong with me.

Try to exercise gentleness, kindness and humour, and you cannot go far wrong.

There's nothing wrong with the car except that it's on fire.

I was just sitting in Target, just getting over my cold. I blew my nose and I see these people looking at me and kind of whispering and pointing. Finally, I went, 'Is everything okay? Did I do something wrong? Do I have a booger on my face and no one's telling me?' I'm just not used to it.

Challenging someone is good. You need to do it. Sometimes they don't even realize you're doing it, like when you joke with a goalie, 'What's wrong today? You losing it?'

I never get tired of 'It Was A Good Day' references or jokes or anything like that. It's just, you know, keeping my biggest hit alive. Nothing wrong with that.

I want to play my Joker. Not the Joker, but my Joker. Somebody who can have fun doing wrong.

I've had some bad gigs, don't get me wrong.

Comedy is so subjective. If you trip and fall down, some people will laugh, and some people will say, 'Oh, physical comedy is so pedestrian.' Some people look at Three Stooges as lowbrow; some people consider them artists. No one is wrong. It's just a personal take.

I'm approaching 70. Unfortunately, from the wrong direction.

My dad's pretty funny. He's funny for all of the wrong reasons. The first time I did standup at Edinburgh he sat in the front row and wore sunglasses because he didn't want to put me off.

You do stand-up because you have to do it. If you're doing it to become 'famous,' you're wrong. If you're doing it to become a millionaire, you're doing it for the wrong reasons. In 2003, I was flat broke. I'd been doing stand-up for 14 years at that point. I loved it and just kept at it.