Quotes About Humor

Who hasn't had an argument with their mother-in-law?

I may discuss love, and I don't mind if two men fall in love, fine. Two women, fine. But I flinch when I think of two Jewish women getting together and having a child because the idea of having two Jewish mothers makes my head explode. I have one; I couldn't handle two.

As scary as it was being raised by one Jewish mother, I have to feel for my kids because they have two Jewish mothers.

When I'm telling jokes, I'm constantly in motion. I can't stand in one place.

I'm motivated by entertaining people.

The whole point about laughter is it's like mercury: you can't catch it, you can't catch what motivates it - that's why it's funny.

Ladies are honest. They're my motivation. They know what's funny, and the dudes just follow.

Laughs, just laughs. It's the only motivation of a comic.

I consider myself a court jester - motivator.

The Seinfeld motto: No learning, no hugging.

And if my aunt had balls she'd be my uncle.

If you can't laugh at yourself, who can you laugh at?

And in that one grey hair I saw my whole life and I said I think I need a hair.

Minister: Welcome, brother! Do you reject Satan and all his works? Bunny Breckinridge: Sure.

Put your other goddamned sock on, she said. Instead, he took the first sock off. They stared at each other. It was so spectacularly absurd. She could feel the corner of her mouth twitching; she was close to laughing. Rory had used to do the same sort of thing; she'd spent a decade of her life being mollified by simple existential charm.

Hold onto your dicks." "We don't all have dicks, dickhead," Kasyanov muttered.

Oh man," Powell said, laughing in disbelief. "Do they fire lightning out of their asses, too? Do they cum nuclear jelly? What else, huh?

They told stories about Ted Lavender's supply of tranquilizers, how the poor guy didn't feel a thing, how incredibly tranquil he was. There's a moral here, said Mitchell Sanders. They were waiting for Lavender's chopper, smoking the dead man's dope. The moral's pretty obvious, Sanders said, and winked. Stay away from drugs. No joke, they'll ruin your day every time. Cute, said Henry Dobbins. Mind blower, get it? Talk about wiggy. Nothing left, just blood and brains. They made themselves laugh.

They were afraid of dying but they were even more afraid to show it. They found jokes to tell. They used a hard vocabulary to contain the terrible softness.

Bacon flinched, then with hollow flippancy quoted the Book of Judges: "With the jawbone of an ass you have slain your thousands.

You look great, he said. Oh, get fucked, she said, grinning.

Here, said the nuggety bald fixture. You look dry as a camel's cookie.

Here we are, Han announced. Right. Luke looked around, an involuntary shiver running up his back. Dead center in the middle of nowhere. Should be a familiar feeling for you, Han suggested, keying for a sensor scan. Thanks, Luke said, but getting stuck between systems with a dead hyperdrive isn't something I want to get familiar with. I didn't mean that, Han said innocently as he keyed the comm. I was talking about Tatooine.

The house looks like we've been robbed, but who robs you and then makes ten failed attempts to make a toast before leaving?