Quotes About Humor

And before any Christian readers get all offended - relax. I'm not saying that I'm the new Jesus. I'm just saying there's a very good chance that I might be.

It appears your son was 85 percent curry!

All the black leather she needs is the E-Z boy recliner where her love is parked with one of his hands wrapped around a remote, the other, a bottle of beer. She's right. It's kinky. The way he doesn't look away from the TV, as her head bobs in his lap like a fisherman's float on a nature program, hectic with the pace his breath sets. His crotch swells under her mouth's prowess. He's such a sweetheart he waits until the commercials to come.

I mean, seriously, what lady of taste could resist a shiny green head of hair like mine?

But I don't think Art's an Einstein - he likes tugging ears, biting people and burping too much to be a genius.

I don't think Arra voted for me in the election, Kurda said humorously. I didn't vote for you either, Vanez said, with a wicked grin. See what an average day is like for me, Darren? Kurda groaned. Half the vampires here love to rub my nose in the fact that they didn't vote for me, while the half who did almost never admit it in public, for fear the others would look down their noses at them.

You don't think eating dead bodies is harmful? I gasped. We haven't had any complaints from the dead yet, Gavner chortled, but his humor was forced — he looked as uncomfortable as I felt.

Get it? Foul. Not one of my subtler jokes, but it'll do.

Listening to demons was dangerous. Better to act in haste and shut your ears to them. But I couldn't help myself. There was something darkly inviting about his tone. It was like when someone was about to tell a gruesome but hilarious joke. I could feel the awfulness of it, but also the humour. I had to hear him out.

What was that joke about a guy being so thin he had to stand in the same place twice to throw a shadow?

Feed the lettuce to the bunny and eat the bunny

Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling.

If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would have made them cute and furry.

There comes a time in a man's life when he hears the call of the sea. Hey, YOU! are the sea's exact words. If the man has a brain in his head, he will hang up the phone immediately.

What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death.

If, when you talk to people, they keep backing away from you, it's because you're TOO CLOSE, alright? SO DON'T KEEP ADVANCING ON THEM LIKE A HUMAN GLACIER.

Scientists tell us that the fastest animal in the world, with a speed of 120 mph, is a cow dropped out of a helicopter.

Spiders so large they appear to be wearing the pelts of small mammals.

Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can using only their hands and feet make some of the worst movies in the history of the world.

Babies and Other Hazards of Sex: How to Make a Tiny Person in Only 9 Months, with Tools You Probably Have around the Home.

A sense of humor is a measurement of the extent to which we realize that we are trapped in a world almost totally devoid of reason. Laughter is how we express the anxiety we feel at this knowledge.

Why don't you lift the end?" said Alf. "It's me back, Alf," complained Mack. "You know how it troubles me." "No more than mine troubles me," said Alf. "But I said it first," said Mack.

The method (of learning Japanese) recommended by experts is to be born as a Japanese baby and raised by a Japanese family, in Japan. And even then it's not easy.

If you look at any list of great modern writers such as Ernest Hemingway, William Faulkner, and F. Scott Fitzgerald, you'll notice two things about them: 1. They all had editors. 2. They are all dead. Thus we can draw the scientific conclusion that editors are fatal.