Quotes About Humor

You came to a strip club with a woman who is not your fiancée, and a gorilla on your wedding day.

Fort Lauderdale is sometimes called The Venice of America by people who clearly have never been to Venice.

Horkman made a sound like a bullfrog trying to give a blow job to a buffalo.

This is the funniest book I've ever held in my hands. --Dave Barry, Pulitzer Prize winning humorist and author says about Radical Sabbatical

Of course most of us find it difficult to talk about insects without bringing up the subject of sex.

Some of my close friends could easily be deceased; this would not have a serious effect on our relationship.

I was clinging to this tree so passionately that I might very well have committed an act of photosynthesis with it.

I realize that some of you may be skeptical about the idea of reincarnation, but there's a lot of evidence that it's real. Exhibit A is Vice President Al Gore, who obviously, at some point in his previous existence, was a slab of Formica.

In some other state, a person might say to himself, I believe I shall pose as Superman by the side of the road! But in Florida, that person is also going to say, But first, I shall remove my pants!

Your guess is as good as mine. Better, probably, because you haven't had four beers.

I have long believed that nobody actually makes fruitcakes. I believe that all fruitcakes were formed thousands of years ago by some kind of horrible natural catastrophe involving: fruit, cake, and a radioactive meteorite

The Hawaiian language is quite unusual because when the original Polynesians came in their canoes, most of their consonants were washed overboard in a storm, and they arrived here with almost nothing but vowels. All the streets have names like Kal'ia'iou'amaa'aaa'eiou, and many street signs spontaneously generate new syllables during the night.

As the poet Wordsworth once said, 'Fatherhood is truly the most...HEY! You kids put down those hatchets RIGHT NOW!' The poet Wordsworth's point was that, although fatherhood is a rewarding experience, it's an experience that you will sometimes wish was rewarding somebody else. Nevertheless, if you ask any dad if fatherhood is worth it, he will immediately answer yes. Why? Because his wife might be listening.

We know very little about the effect of electricity on sharks," the narrator will say, in a deeply scientific voice. "That is why Todd is going to jab this Great While in the testicles with a cattle prod.

bigger of the two. He had a nose wart the size and shape of a small mushroom.

When I read this, naturally my reaction as a concerned American was hahahahahahahahaha.

AS A PROFESSIONAL HUMORIST, I OFTEN GET LETTERS from readers who are interested in the basic nature of humor. "What kind of a sick, perverted, disgusting person are you," these letters typically ask, "that you make jokes about setting fire to a goat?

All day long I'd biddy-biddy-bum As you can imagine, this unfortunate condition has an adverse impact on Tevye's milkman career, as it seriously hampers his ability to interact with his customers: CUSTOMER: I need two quarts of milk and one pint of cream. TEVYE: Okay, that's two quarts of milk and one pint of boody booboo

I realize I am generalizing here, but, as is often the case when I generalize, I don't care.

FATHER: What's the matter, Son? SON (bursting into tears): Oh Dad, I struck out and lost the big game. (Sobs.) FATHER (putting his arm around the boy's shoulders): Hey! Forget it! Let's have a nice cold can of Bite the Wax Tadpole! SON: And then I murdered a policeman.

ME: HOW MUCH WOULD WE RAISE IF EVERYBODY PAID $8.95 IN TAXES? ROUGHLY. COMPUTER: SYNTAX ERROR. ME: NO, A SYNTAX ERROR WOULD BE "ME HIT COMPUTER IN SCREEN WITH BIG ROCK." COMPUTER: ROUGHLY $2 BILLION. ME: THANK YOU.

A. Yes, that's what I say, but my son claims he knows of mice named Tom. COMPUTER: HA HA! WHAT A CRETIN.

Did you hear about the toilet being stolen from the police station? The cops have nothing to go on.

Always remember that if editors were so damned smart, they would know how to dress.