Quotes About Humor

It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows.

A child develops individuality long before he develops taste. I have seen my kid straggle into the kitchen in the morning with outfits that need only one accessory: an empty gin bottle.

All I know is I was possibly the only woman in the world dedicated to inner peace and tranquility who would end up with varicose veins of the neck from shouting.

THOU SHALT NOT CONSIDER GRAVY AND HOLLANDAISE SAUCE A BEVERAGE.

When humor goes, there goes civilization

The thirty-minute nap. When I heard a key in the door, I'd jump up, throw cold water on my face, smooth my clothes, pull the bedspread taut, stagger into the kitchen, and throw an onion in the oven. When my husband mentioned the chenille marks on my face, I'd lie and say, "It's bad skin.

I've always admired parents who discipline their children in hushed whispers: "Arthur, you are a naughty boy for turning on all the gas jets. Now I want you to drag your little sister out into the fresh air, give her mouth-to-mouth resuscitation and apologize. Don't make Mama have to raise her voice." I

THOU SHALT NOT PUNISH THYSELF BY TRYING ON A BATHING SUIT WEARING KNEE HI'S.

I ran into the driveway, my husband said, "I thought you were supposed to be walking." "I was," I panted, "until I ran out of Twinkies to hold off the dogs.

They say the seeds of what we will do are in all of us, but it always seemed to me that in those who make jokes in life the seeds are covered with better soil and with a higher grade of manure.

A man's got to take a lot of punishment to write a really funny book.

The bulls are my best friends. I translated to Brett. You kill your friends? she asked. Always, he said in English, and laughed. So they don't kill me.

I was young and not gloomy and there were always strange and comic things that happened in the worst time...

Home is where the heart is, home is where the fart is. Come let us fart in the home. There is no art in a fart. Still a fart may not be artless. Let us fart and artless fart in the home.

You ought to be ironical the minute you get out of bed. You ought to wake up with your mouth full of pity.

If a four-letter man marries a five-letter woman, he was thinking, what number of letters would their children be?

We are very serious so we can make very strong jokes.

Anything was better than Ezra learning to play the bassoon...

THE GAMBLER,THE NUN,& THE RADIO Tonight, sent by the police, they come to serenade me.He laughed, then tapped his stomach.-I cannot laugh yet. As musicians they are fatal

If you make jokes with people, you create enemies to yourself.

An ugly face,' he said to the glass. 'Did you ever see a more ugly face?' 'Yes,' said Arnaldo. 'Mine. Every morning when I shave.' 'We both ought to shave in the dark,' the Colonel told him and went out the door.

That moron," said Harvey. Cohn came up to our table. "Hello you bums," he said. "Hello, Robert," Harvey said. "I was just telling Jake here that you're a moron.

Wilson looked at them both. If a four-letter man marries a five-letter woman, he was thinking, what number of letters would their children be?

I drink to make people more interesting, Ernest Hemingway.