Quotes About Humor

The family. We were a strange little band of characters trudging through life sharing diseases and toothpaste, coveting one another's desserts, hiding shampoo, borrowing money, locking each other out of our rooms, inflicting pain and kissing to heal it in the same instant, loving, laughing, defending, and trying to figure out the common thread that bound us all together.

Laughter rises out of tragedy when you need it the most, and rewards you for your courage.

Have you any idea how many children it takes to turn off one light in the kitchen Three. It takes one to say What light and two more to say I didn't turn it on.

Laugh now, cry later.

There's something wrong with a mother who washes out a measuring cup with soap and water after she's only measured water in it.

In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.

When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out.

I come from a home where gravy is a beverage.

Insanity is hereditary. You can catch it from your kids.

I don't know why no one ever thought to paste a label on the toilet-tissue spindle giving 1-2-3 directions for replacing the tissue on it. Then everyone in the house would know what Mama knows.

If Life is a Bowl of Cherries, What Am I Doing in the Pits?

When you look like your passport photo, it's time to go home.

I've exercised with women so thin, buzzards followed them to their cars.

Housework, if it is done properly, can cause brain damage.

Maybe age is kinder to us than we think. With my bad eyes, I can't see how bad I look, and with my rotten memory, I have a good excuse for getting out of a lot of stuff.

Anybody who watches three games of football in a row should be declared brain dead.

Enter my first neighbor - a woman who spoke in complete, coherent sentences, who ate with a knife and fork and who only cried at weddings. I couldn't help myself. In a dramatic gesture, I bolted the door and threw my body across it to prevent her exit. She understood.

I've always felt there are two things a woman should never do after the age of thirty-five: stand in natural light and have a baby...

The other night he took me to dinner. We were having a wonderful time when he remarked, You can certainly tell the wives from the sweethearts. I stopped licking the stream of butter dripping down my elbow and replied, What kind of crack is that?

She's as funny as a toothache

I don't think women outlive men, Doctor. It only seems longer.

I have seen my kid struggle into the kitchen in the morning with outfits that need only one accessory: an empty gin bottle.

To be honest, however, I will have to admit that I wrote this book for the original model - the one who was overkidsed, underpatienced, with four years of college and chapped hands all year around. I knew if I didn't follow Faith's advice and laugh a little at myself, then I would surely cry.

There are basic differences between food and clothing. You eat food and wear clothing. Food goes in; clothing goes on. 2. Do not bite anything that will bite back. This includes the dog, other babies, electrical cords and your father when he is watching professional football on television. 3. Washing your face after a meal is not considered cruel and unusual punishment. It won't do any good to report Mommy and Daddy to the police. 4.