Quotes About Humor

There's a helluva distance between wisecracking and wit. Wit has truth in it; wisecracking is simply calisthenics with words.

The first thing I do in the morning is brush my teeth and sharpen my tongue.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

I like to have a martini, Two at the very most. After three I'm under the table, after four I'm under my host.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

That would be a good thing for them to cut on my tombstone: Wherever she went, including here, it was against her better judgment.

Brevity is the soul of lingerie.

I require three things in a man: he must be handsome, ruthless, and stupid.

Canadians can easily 'pass for American' as long as we don't accidentally use metric measurements or apologize when hit by a car.

Comedy, Lorne often said, is too important to be left to professionals.

One of his favorite themes was the expressionistic barrenness of the old Honeymooners set; later he would become an advocate of realism, saying that humor derived from the one off-center element in a setting of absolute normality.

So, you are now talking to birds?" Hanlon glanced back from looking up at the tree the crow sat in and said, "Not all birds, just crows, oh, and hawks and eagles, sometimes ospreys, but never vultures." She laughed at his attempt at humor, "Why don't you talk to vultures?" "Well, Sassy, because vultures aren't very good conversationalists. Doug Hiser -Montana Mist coming soon 2010

The idea that no one is perfect is a view most commonly held by people with no grandchildren.

There are worse things than getting a call for the wrong number at 4 AM. It could be the right number.

I'm not scared any more,' said Midge. 'Thank you, Kevin. Sometimes you can be very kind.' 'Yes,' said Kevin. 'And if you tell that to any of the other trolls I will pull off your nose and feed it to a bear.

She'd taken the time and care to have her tape recorder ready so that any time she had to fart, she could just pick it up and rip one. When she had a full cassette tape, she drew up a cover and mailed it to the office. I'd play it for people and they'd say, "That's from your Mother???" She

I ventured the idea that, as most of the women in Kilkenny were such misshapen pigs, if you were to actually fuck them, you would be more concerned the next morning about what species they were rather than what age.

I have the Tony Romo of dicks. It can squeak out a win on the road in Buffalo but when you put it in the big game under pressure, it fumbles.

Well we certainly don't want to see that kind of thing,' admonished Jeff Stelling. 'Did it calm down?' 'No,' shouted Kamara. 'It got worse. The police were just getting involved when the chairman was hit by a pie thrown from the crowd.' 'Was he injured?' asked Stelling, struggling to suppress a giggle. 'I don't think so,' laughed Kamara. 'He sat down and started eating it!

Emma has just rung and sarcastically asked me if I was ever planning on asking her out again. After fighting back my initial reaction to answer 'only if you're going to put out this time,' I told her that, in these days of equality, it was her turn to ask me. Which, amazingly enough, she did.

Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

Life! Don't talk to me about life.

Hey! What's this thing coming towards me very fast? Very very fast. So big and flat and round, it needs a big wide sounding word like ... ow ... ound... round... ground! That's it! That's a good name -- ground! I wonder if it will be friends with me?

Man had always assumed that he was more intelligent than dolphins because he had achieved so much . . . the wheel, New York, wars, and so on, whilst all the dolphins had ever done was muck about in the water having a good time. But conversely the dolphins believed themselves to be more intelligent than man for precisely the same reasons.