Quotes About Humor

James, I can't believe you've turned my only son into an Arsenal fan.

Sounds like a good laugh. You can count me in!

How would something the size of a Mini get out of a dinosaur's arsehole?' 'How big was a dinosaur's arsehole?' Theo asked, as he grabbed a fourth champagne and passed a second to Eve. 'Are you some kind of arsehole expert, Jay?

What do you two know about cocaine?' 'Goes well sprinkled on toast,

First thing I notice is that said arse is a peach.

rectangular slab of mincemeat that everyone, including the servers, referred to as baked turd.

You know what I really want?' Bruce said. 'Some business cards with Bruce Norris Kicked Your Arse printed on them. I can stick them in people's mouths when I knock them unconscious, just in case they don't remember me when they come round.' 'Bruce, what you need,' Kyle said, 'is some serious time with a psychiatrist.

I swear, Alfie,' Max said, 'you seriously need help. You're an eleven-year-old sex fiend. Have you ever considered an iced bath, or going for long runs?' 'I'm half French,' Alfie said. 'We're the greatest lovers in the world.' 'Grace is tiny, Alfie,' Max said. 'If you got married you'd roll over in the night and she'd disappear up your arse crack.

Have you ever killed anyone?' Ryan asked bluntly. Clark broke into a big smile and shook his head. 'Hagar wouldn't approve.' 'Why not?' Ryan asked. 'You ever seen a dead man paying a bill?

James' hot lunch was watery mash, peas and a rectangular slab of mincemeat that everyone, including the servers, referred to as baked turd.

I'm at that age where if you flattened out all the wrinkles I'd be seven feet tall.

Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.

Do your kids a favor — don't have any.

I got a Valentine's Day card from my girl. It said, 'Take my heart! Take my arms! Take my lips!' Which is just like her. Keeping the best part for herself.

I remember when humor was gentle pokes. I used to call it 'arm around the shoulder' humor. Now they go for the jugular and they take no prisoners. It's mean, mean stuff.

Humor starts like a wildfire, but then continues on, smoldering, smoldering for years.

In prehistoric times, mankind often had only two choices in crisis situations: fight or flee. In modern times, humor offers us a third alternative fight, flee - or laugh.

Sometimes I get the feeling the whole world is against me, but deep down I know that's not true. Some smaller countries are neutral.

A Long Way from Chicago is the funniest book I have read in a while. You will enjoy the antics of Grandma and the love and dismay her grandchildren feel for her

Another difference between death and taxes is that death doesn't get worse every time the legislature meets.

Do you know any princes who are looking for a tart to marry?

Jack, get a grip of yourself.' I have a grip of myself.' Jack took a grip of himself. It was a most intimate grip; not the kind of grip that you usually take of yourself in public.

Oh dear,' said Eddie. 'We'd better hurry. Tinto, call me a cab.' All right,' said Tinto. 'You're a cab.

I had never planned to become a savanna baboon when I grew up; instead, I had always assumed I would become a mountain gorilla.