Quotes About Humor

We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.

The first purpose of alcohol is to make English your second language. You may be a Nobel prize physicist, but after nine, ten Heinekens you're speaking fluent Drunken-ese. Next thing you know, you have a friend in a headlock, "I love ya, I love ya, that's the kinda love I have for you, goddamn it."

I think God made babies cute so we don't eat them.

People say satire is dead. It's not dead; it's alive and living in the White House.

See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.

Baby caca is like Kryptonite to a father. Even the dog says, "You don't rub his face in it."

Decaf is like masturbating with an oven mitt!

Clouds are like boogers hanging on the nostrils of the moon.

Golf is a game where white men can dress up as black pimps and get away with it.

God gave us all a penis and a brain, but only enough blood to run one at a time.

If it's the Psychic Network why do they need a phone number?

Comedy is acting out optimism.

Tom, how many children do you think I have to have before I figure out you get them by having sex?" "Of course there would be protection," he offered. "Tons of it.

She'd never been any kind of camper, never had been good at relieving a full bladder on a whim. Never had quite figured out that squat; it seemed like she'd always wet her right foot.

You should get a better boyfriend. One with an IQ higher than a turnip.

God understands everything. And even He made a mistake or two. Look at the size of avocado seeds - way too big. And pomegranates? Too many seeds. What a waist of fruit!

Isn't he cute? That he thinks he has a sense of humour?

She shrugged."I always put in long hours. I really wanted a wife." He leaned toward her."Jilliam, honey, The whole world wants a wife. But we're gonna have to make do...

He still had on last night's trousers. Not a good sign. However, she had not killed him in his sleep—and that was a good sign. She was probably saving his execution for later, when he could feel it. He stood up straight in front of the mirror. He stuck out his hairy chest. He flexed, popping out tattooed biceps. I am a marine, he said to himself. She is five foot three. He sagged visibly. Who am I kidding? was his next thought. He

We've been sitting on a little news. We're having a baby." "Well, damn!" Paul said. He looked at Preacher and grinned. "You finally came through on ovulation day, huh, buddy?" He puffed up a little. "I did at that," he said, throwing his chest out. "And

God understands everything. And even He made a mistake or two. Look at the size of avocado seeds—way too big. And pomegranates? Too many seeds. What a waste of fruit!" He

You know. I can call my husband an idiot and asshole but no one else can. It's a rule. It's almost a law.

When they got to Sam Sheridan's house, Mel preceded Jack up the walk toward the front door while Jack began toting luggage and gifts. "Mel," he called, causing her to turn around to see him smiling brightly. "You're starting to waddle," he said proudly. "Uh!" she exclaimed, tossing her hair as she turned abruptly away from him. Although

We're men, Rick. We're idiots. Ask Mel," he said. "Yeah.