Quotes About Humor

Rashers, me heart, if it was raining soup, you'd have nothing but a fork.

I drew a picture of Bigs Maloney. It came out looking like Frankenstein on a bad hair day. In other words, it looked just like Bigs.

I looked like a million bucks. An unarmed million bucks, which isn't necessarily the best combination.

Loving yourself is about as likely as tickling yourself.

If God had wanted men to ride bikes, He wouldn't have put our balls where they are.

you say carjacking, i say borrowing.

it sucks to get old...but there's always beer

Granting our wish is one of Fate's saddest jokes.

God created the world in six days. On the seventh day, he rested. On the eighth day, he started getting complaints. And it hasn't stopped since.

The semi-colon is a burp, a hiccup. It's a drunk staggering out of the saloon at 2 a.m., grabbing your lapels on the way and asking you to listen to one more story.

Women may be able to fake orgasms, but men can fake whole relationships.

He is being nibbled to death by ducks. --More Later, Less the Same

Trained slugs race across his jello in eight-cylinder sombreros

Humor is a serious thing. I like to think of it as one of our greatest earliest natural resources, which must be preserved at all cost.

The dog has got more fun out of Man than Man has got out of the dog, for the clearly demonstrable reason that Man is the more laughable of the two animals

I suppose that the high-water mark of my youth in Columbus, Ohio, was the night the bed fell on my father.

It's a naive domestic Burgundy without any breeding, but I think you'll be amused by its presumption.

The nation that complacently and fearfully allows its artists and writers to become suspected rather than respected is no longer regarded as a nation possessed with humor or depth.

A husband should not insult his wife publicly, at parties. He should insult her in the privacy of the home.

The only rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the only limitations those of libel.

Humor is emotional chaos remembered in tranquility.

I do not have a psychiatrist and I do not want one, for the simple reason that if he listened to me long enough, he might become disturbed.

Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?

The most dangerous food is wedding cake.