Quotes About Humor

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.

I was walking through the park. I had a very bad asthmatic attack. These three asthmatics attacked me. I know . . . I should have heard them hiding.

I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.

I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.

How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.

Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something.

He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.

My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.

At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.

People come up to me and say, "Emo, do people really come up to you?"

Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.

What do you suppose? A bee sat on my nose. Then what do you think? He gave me a wink And said, "I beg your pardon, I thought you were the garden."

Many a true word is spoken in jest.

A clown needn't be the same out of the ring as he has to be when he's in it. If you look at photographs of clowns when they're just being ordinary men, they've got quite sad faces.

Hay mujeres tan lindas que no se explica cómo no se desmayan al mirarse al espejo

Echad de vuestra alcoba al médico si queréis morir de muerte natural

El hombre que se ríe de todo es que todo lo desprecia. La mujer que se ríe de todo es que sabe que tiene una dentadura bonita

Hay dos sistemas de conseguir la felicidad: uno, hacerse el idiota; otro, serlo.

Reír es lo más importante del mundo: y humorismo se escribe con hache...

Después de todo, la vida es un ameno y grave recorrido por los más diversos funerales.

Lo apocalíptico exige ser tratado sin excesiva seriedad.