Quotes About Humor

I want to get one thing straight right from the start: I am not a natural-born jock. I am about as intrinsically athletic as an oyster, with the innate grace and sporty prowess of a brick—a very cute oyster and a very intelligent brick, if I do say so myself, but oysterly and bricklike nevertheless.

Man plans and God laughs

There was an old joke about being left on a deserted island with an editor. You are starving. All you have left is a glass of orange juice. Days pass. You are near death. You are about to drink the juice when the editor grabs the glass from your hand and pees into it. You look at him, stunned . There, the editor says, handing you the glass. It just needed a little tweaking.

Win's phone rang. He picked it up and said, "Articulate. Okay, put it through." Two seconds later he handed the phone to Myron. "For me?" Myron asked. Win gave him flat eyes. "No," he said. "I'm handing you the phone because it's too heavy for me." Everyone's a wiseass.

I ordered a cheeseburger and a beer from a waitress who looked as though she wanted to be in one of those want-to-get-away? commercials. She called me hon. I love when a waitress calls me hon.

Feeding teenage boys was like filling a bathtub with a grapefruit spoon.

I'm not sure we should get camera phones, that's all. She hit the remote and the car doors unlocked. She reached for the door handle. Matt hesitated. Olivia looked at him. What? he asked. If we both get camera phones, Olivia said, I could send you nuddies when you're at work. Matt opened the door. Verizon on Sprint? from The Innocent

Captain Midnight is always careful." "It's not just Captain Midnight I'm worried about it. It's his alter ego." "And who might that be?" "My Love Muffin." Myron grinned into the receiver. "Hey, Jess, did you know Joan Collins was on Batman?" "Of course," Jessica said. "She played the Siren." "Oh yeah? Well, who did Liberace play?

Nick at Nite, the cultural equivalent of aerosol cheese.

You look like several large orangutans made you their love slave." Ah

They watched a repeat of Frasier on Channel 11. The show was starting to grow on them both.

He looked maybe half an egg sandwich away from a coronary.

Or maybe it's a ploy to get more sex." She gave him a look that curled his chopsticks. "Maybe it's working," she said. "Maybe I'll slip into something more comfortable," he said. "Not that Batman mask again." "Aw, c'mon, you can wear the utility belt." She thought about it. "Okay, but no stopping in the middle and shouting, 'Same Bat Time, same Bat Channel.' 

His voice not only dripped sarcasm but seemed to have spent days marinated in it: "How noble." "Objection!

He passed a hair salon called Snip Away, which sounded more like a vasectomy clinic than a beauty parlor.

Hell, I want to Hugh Jackman a sponge bath. So what? You can;t help what you want. You're human. Let it go.

After three rings the machine picked up. Win's annoyingly superior accent said, "Hang up without leaving a message and die." Beep. Myron shook his head, smiled, and, as always, left a message. He

They asked for my name. I was tempted to go with either I. P. Daily or Wink Martindale, but I stuck with Mark Kadison because he was a friend of mine and if they called, he'd just laugh.

Man plans and God laughs," Myron said. Fat Gandhi smiled. "I like that one. Is that an American expression?" "Yiddish.

A sign by the front door read FOUR BODY PIERCE MINIMUM TO ENTER (EARS DON'T COUNT). Myron

Jake was closing in on two hundred and seventy-five pounds. His pants never fit right. They were too small for his stomach, too large for his waist. He was constantly adjusting them, searching for that one elusive point where they'd actually stay in place. The search required a team of top scientists and a really powerful microscope.

Eloise had been with Dad since before the riots. As long as I breathe, Dad often said, Eloise will have a job. She was like a second wife to him. She took care of him during his workday. They argued and fought and got grumpy with each other. There was genuine affection. Mom knew all this. Thank God Eloise is uglier than a cow living near Chernobyl, Mom liked to say, or I might wonder.

You're a pain in the ass, you know that?" "Always was," Myron said. "Yeah, but you used to have a sweet jumper from the top of the key. Now what do you got?" "Raw animal magnetism and supernatural charisma?" "I'm going to hang up now." He

Win drove, Myron took the front passenger seat, and Big Cyndi squeezed into the back, which was a little like watching a film of childbirth on rewind. Then they were off.