Quotes About Communication

True listening, she says, isn't something that merely happens to you. It's something to do and to feel, to throw yourself into rationally, emotionally, and physically. Listening is something to engage with multiple senses. It isn't passive or reactive; it's creative. And to do it well, you must feel the experience—not just think about it.

Here are the three keys: Get in (quickly and efficiently describe the issue), neutralize the problem (by explaining how to handle it or why it isn't really a problem), and get out (move on to the next topic —do not linger or go into excess detail). Here's an example.

When you stipulate to a potential problem or flaw, do it in a confident and unselfconscious way. The more relaxed you are, the more relaxed the person you're communicating with will be—and the easier it will be for both of you to focus on your message.

To succeed in your career, it's less important what you know or even who you know than who truly knows you and how they know you. —IVAN MISNER, FOUNDER, BNI

Fail #2: Criticizing

When you use the Empathy Jolt, avoid the mistake of interjecting your own opinions during the process—even if they're positive ones ("I certainly agree about what you're saying about Simon's talents"). Your goal is to get two people to mirror each other, and they can't do that if you're standing between them. So facilitate, but don't butt in.

How does the Magic Paradox work? By setting into motion a cascade of "yes" coming from the other person ("Yes, you're right, my life is a mess, and I can't take it anymore"), you shift the person's attitude from disagreement to agreement. Once you establish that rapport, the person is emotionally primed to cooperate instead of punch back.

People who live with substance abusers know that refusing to cooperate with the addiction can trigger an explosive outburst or a childish accusation.

When I ask these people questions that let them open their minds and express their intelligence, I witness a peculiar phenomenon: These hurried professionals, whose most valuable resource is time, hunger to spend more of that time with me.

Getting your emotions under control isn't just a key to being a great leader like Jim. It's also the most important key to reaching other people, especially in times of stress or uncertainty. It's why a cool and controlled hostage negotiator can get through to someone who seems unreachable

Research by Matthew Lieberman at UCLA shows that when people put words to their emotions—"afraid," "angry"—the amygdala, that little biological threat sensor that can throw the brain into animal mode, cools down almost instantly. At the same time, another part of the brain—part of the prefrontal cortex, which is the "smart" area of the brain—goes to work.

Most people are scared to try this approach, because they think "no" really means "no." In dating, it most definitely does—but in business, surprisingly often, it doesn't. To get from "no" to "yes," however, you need to make the right moves. Here's what to do.

A know-it-all who doesn't know what he is talking about is a jerk. A know-it-all who does know what he is talking about is just an ass.

And what about the person who's on the defensive? Initially, this human punching bag is frustrated because no matter what he or she is trying to mirror outward——I'm sorry, I'm confused, I'm scared, I had a good reason for what I did—the ignorant blamer is blind to it. As a result, the person who's under attack is usually in a state of quiet, barely controlled rage.

When you ask people questions, respect their answers. If they offer a good idea, act on it (and let them know that you did). Even if they're off base, acknowledge their remarks with a comment like, "That's worth thinking about" or "I hadn't looked at it that way." If the situation warrants, acknowledge a comment by saying "Smart idea" or "I'm glad you're on our team—I need people with creative ideas like that.

When you understand irrational people's M.O.s, it'll be easier for you to realize that their weeping, coldness, whining, withdrawal, or attack-dog behavior isn't really about you. Instead, it's about them and their need to feel in control.

To listen well is as powerful a means of communication and influence as to talk well. —JOHN MARSHALL, CHIEF JUSTICE OF THE SUPREME COURT, 1801–1835

You cannot shake hands with a clenched fist." —INDIRA GANDHI

Both partners describe one of their own character flaws. Humility resolves self-righteousness.

One explanation for the effectiveness of making a person "feel felt" lies in the mirror neurons I talked about earlier. When you mirror what another person feels, the person is wired to mirror you in return. Say "I understand what you're feeling," and the other person will feel grateful and spontaneously express that gratitude with a desire to understand you in return. It's an irresistible biological urge, and one that pulls the person toward you.

Think about what you're thinking. When you consciously analyze the ideas you've formed about a person and weigh these perceptions against reality, you can rewire your brain and build new, more accurate perceptions. Then you'll be communicating with the person who's really in front of you—not the fictitious character conjured up by your false perceptions.

you probably know a lot less than you think you do about the people you want to reach, whether they're new in your life or people you've known forever. That what you think you know may be very wrong. And that reaching these people doesn't just mean opening their minds to you. It also means rewiring yourself so you can see these people as they really are.

That's because even if what we want is best for all concerned, other people don't want it shoved down their throats. They want to align with us, work with us, and be valued by us. They don't want to be run over by us. If we trample them to get our way, we may get them to do what we want right now, but they'll be angry about it later . . . and they'll let other people know.

Self-involvement is usually at the root of self-defeating behavior in relationships.