Quotes About Comedy

My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.

Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.

I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.

When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, "Look, twins!"

What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.

I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.

My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.

What a childhood I had. My parents sent me to a child psychiatrist. The kid didn't help me at all.

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

I told my doctor, "Every day I wake up, I look in the mirror, I want to throw up. What's wrong with me?" He said, "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect.

My doctor's a very strange man. I said to him, "Doc, what's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?" He told me, "The taste.

In my life I've been through plenty. When I was three years old, my parents got a dog. I was jealous of the dog, so they got rid of me.

I told my doctor I broke my arm in two places. He told me to keep out of those places.

I tell ya, I know the best way to get girls. I hang out at women's prisons, and wait for parolees.

I tell ya, my wife's a lousy cook. After dinner, I don't brush my teeth. I count them.

I was always depressed, but I could tell a joke and get a laugh. But not from my mother. She never thought my jokes were funny.

I tell ya, my wife likes to talk during sex. Last night, she called me from a motel.

I tell ya, my wife is never nice. She won a trip to Las Vegas for two. She went twice.

The toughest club I worked was owned by a guy named Nunzio. Man, he was tough. One day he said to me, "Kid, you wanna go hunting?" I said, "Okay, I'm game." And he shot me.

The other night, I had a date with a manicurist. We went to a nightclub. We started to hold hands. And while she was holding my hand, she took my other hand and put it in my drink.

I told my psychiatrist, "Doc, I keep thinking I'm a dog." He told me to get off his couch.