Quotes About Comedy

Late night television is ready for someone like me... standards have gone to an all-time low.

There was a time... when people didn't go out of their house on Tuesday night at eight o'clock because Milton Berle was on.

A formula for comedy is comedy equals tragedy plus time. A difficult or uncomfortable situation takes place, and then you laugh about it later down the road.

I got my dog three years ago because I was drunk in a pet store. We had nine cats at the time. The cats started hiding the alcohol after that.

When I played baseball I got death threats all the time--from my mother.

One of my secrets is to joke all the time.

Stand-up used to be much more of a form combat. Heckling was much more common [in the '90s]. And I couldn't get stage time, and so I would go out to Pip's in Sheepshead Bay.

I don't speak French, but I took it for five years growing up. So, if I were in a situation where I had to be, like, 'Excuse me, pineapple dog house red, what time is it library?' - no problem.

At once I feel that comedy is this amazing sort of transcendent thing, and I'm also open to the fact that maybe it's just an evolutionary hiccup, something that upright apes do in their free time.

I certainly don't walk around my home or being with my family and just using profane language all the time, but on stage, it's a constant.

At the time, it was a really funny joke [Fluffy] and I went back and forth with going against the joke or embrace it. I decided to embrace it and now we're talking about it, so it was a good call.

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.

Zsa Zsa Gabor is an expert housekeeper. Every time she gets divorced, she keeps the house.

Getting older is tough. I remember the last time I felt an erection. It was at the movies. The only trouble is, it belonged to the guy sitting next to me.

I've known Nicholas Parsons for a fairly long time and his geniune pleasures are in rubber tubes, metal clips

While I'm trying to be a villain, Tyler Posey's just making me break character all the time. It's hilarious.

It's income tax time again, Americans: time to gather up those receipts, get out those tax forms, sharpen up that pencil, and stab yourself in the aorta

My father gave me a bat for Christmas. The first time I tried to play with it, it flew away.

Kristin Bauer is so funny. Half the time I'm working with her I'm just trying to keep a straight face.

I've got soggy thighs. It must be dinner time.

My comedy is different every time I do it. I don't know what the hell I'm doing.

our father used to tell us stories about a bookworm named Wally. Wally, a squiggly little vermicule with a red baseball cap, didn't merely like books. He ate them.

My favorite moment in Jeanne Moreau's latest movie--a comedy called The Summer House --takes place in a kitchen, when she proclaims that every human has something to cry about. When mocked by the owner of the kitchen and pressed to say what it is that we have to cry about, she tosses back her head of flaming red hair and says, The winds of solitude roaring at the edge of infinity.

Remember the scene in Cat Ballou where a very drunk Lee Marvin goes from unconscious to ranting to triumphant to roaring to weeping defeat, and then finally passes out? One of the men watching him says, with real awe, "I never seen a man get through a day so fast." Don't let this be you.