Quotes About Comedy

Gags die, humor doesn't

I'd rather laugh in bed than do it. If I went to a lady of the night, I'd probably pay her to tell me jokes. Would that be perverted?

Most jokes state a bitter truth.

A difference of taste in jokes is a great strain on the affections.

If a condescending joke is truly funny, make yourself the subject- you will increase the number of people laughing by at least one.

I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.

So you wanna hear a joke, its not funny so you wont laugh, so there are three tomatoes walking down the street mamma tomato pappa tomato and baby tomato, so baby tomato starts lagging behind and pappa tomato gets mad and goes back and squashes baby tomato and says ketchup.

Is she fat? Her favorite food is seconds

Is Elizabeth Taylor fat? Her favorite food is seconds.

I'll be your friend till the episode comes in which Tom finally eats Jerry!

Are you crying? No, I'm impersonating a fountain.

Reasons to date me: I laugh at my own jokes so you don't have to.

White parents use time out. My mom used a different type of time out. She'd be like, 'There...take time out to pick up your teeth.'

I went into McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries." And the girl behind the counter says, "Would you like fries with that?"

Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up the pillow was gone.

My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep good?" I said "No, I made a few mistakes."

I could dance till the cows come home. On second thought, I'd rather dance with the cows till you come home.

Condoms aren't completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.

My act is very educational. I heard a man leaving the other night saying, 'Well that taught me a lesson'.

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.

Adam was the luckiest man in the world. He had no mother-in-law.

Most of the time when people laugh at me...I'm not trying to be funny.

I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance -waiting for the bathroom.