Quotes About Comedy

If I were to insult people and mean it, that wouldn't be funny.

Most of my ideas just come out funny.

Everything is funny, if you can laugh at it.

Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, "Attack!" And he has one. All he does is piddle. He's nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.

Farts and poop are still funny and will always be funny.

Watching a baby being born is a little like watching a wet St. Bernard coming in through the cat door.

There's something dangerous about what's funny. Jarring and disconcerting. There is a connection between funny and scary.

Even the gods love jokes.

The difference between a violin and a viola is that a viola burns longer.

My dog watches me on TV. So, if I may take this opportunity, "No! No! No!"

I'm in favour of drug tests, just so long as they are multiple choice.

Things have to be funny first, and if they want to have a point, that's awesome.

I don't have a drinking problem. I drink. I get drunk. I fall down, no problem.

Humor is most powerful thing that uses laughter as it base to chase your blues away.

(Responding to a sneeze from the audience) Who exploded?

When in doubt, make funny faces.

I wish I had more hands, so I could give those titties four thumbs down!

I would rather be funny than gorgeous, absolutely. Because it's too hard to be gorgeous, you know. I could make a stab at gorgeous as long as I had something funny to say to get out of it.

I remember writing standup jokes without having done sets. But as soon as I did my first set, it didn't matter. Everything I thought would work didn't work. And everything I was iffy on was funny.

I know you can be funny without being filthy.

The marvelous thing about a joke with a double meaning is that it can only mean one thing.

When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.

They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, they're not laughing now.

It feels amazing to just be here and be able to share my jokes with the world. It's not so much about being a girl, it's about being a funny comic.