Quotes About Comedy

I don't mind going back to daylight saving time. With inflation, the hour will be the only thing I've saved all year.

Don't knock masturbation - it's sex with someone I love

I would go out with women my age, but there are no women my age.

A man's got to take a lot of punishment to write a really funny book.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a bookmark.

When I can't sleep, I read a book by Steve Allen.

Our comedies are not to be laughed at.

Actually, it only takes one drink to get me loaded. Trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or fourteenth.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.

I'm a one-man idiot.

I've been doing the Fonda workout: the Peter Fonda workout. That's where I wake up, take a hit of acid, smoke a joint, and run to my sister's house and ask her for money.

She's so pure, Moses couldn't even part her knees.

Joan Collins unfortunately can't be with us tonight. She's busy attending the birth of her next husband.

In the end, everything is a gag.

The rain forest has Sting. Now Siberia has Jack Dee. Someone had to draw the short straw. In this case it was the rain forest.

A man doesn't know what hapiness is until he's married. By then it's too late.

I can't afford to die; I'd lose too much money.

A pun is the lowest form of humor -- when you don't think of it first.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

Laughter is the closest distance between two people.

Over the past 50 years Bob Hope employed 88 joke writers who supplied him with more than one million gags, and he still couldn't make me laugh.

My girlfriend always laughs during sex -- no matter what she's reading.

If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.