Quotes About Comedy

And my parents finally realise that I'm kidnapped and they snap into action immediately: they rent out my room.

Everything is changing. People are taking the comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke.

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.

I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

I like children - fried.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people.

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day.

Who was the greatest prostitute in history? Ms. Pacman, for 25 cents that b*tch swallowed balls till she died.

Every gay guys GPS system would tell him to Go straight. haha

When I tried to do a search for marital advise on Google, it tried to finish my sentence for me, just like my wife does.

My daughter made me a Jerry Springer-watching kit, with crackers, Cheez Whiz, polyester stretch pants and a T-shirt with two fat women fighting over a skinny guy.

I'm dating a woman now who, evidently, is unaware of it.

God's great cosmic joke on the human race was requiring that men and women live together in marriage.

A girl phoned me the other day and said ... Come on over, there's nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home.

My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex, she objects.

My wife is going to kill me. But you look like my wife, so that's Ok!

I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.

Someone asked me recently - what would I rather give up, food or sex. Neither! I'm not falling for that one again, wife.

I think in my case, I had no choice but to have a good sense of humor. I grew up with my dad, Danny Thomas, and George Burns and Bob Hope and Milton Berle and Sid Caesar and all those guys were at our house all the time and telling jokes and making each other laugh.

Chaplin you got to go with. Chaplin is a man whose talents is such that you have to gamble. First off, comedy is his backyard. He's a genius, a cinematic genius. A comedic talent without peer.