Quotes About Comedy

I practice safe sex - I use an airbag.

The closest I ever came to a menage-a-trois was when I dated a schizophrenic.

I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was, 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath'. For three years my husband and I slept on bunk beds.

The baby is fine. The only problem is that he looks like Edward G. Robinson.

God writes a lot of comedy... the trouble is, he's stuck with so many bad actors who don't know how to play funny.

So I went to the dentist. He said Say Aaah. I said Why? He said My dog's died.'

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven.

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough.

I went to my doctor and asked for something for persistent wind. He gave me a kite. You see the trouble is he's very old fashioned. When he gives you an injection you have to bite on a bullet.

So he said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.' I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books.'

I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.

Yeah, I know I'm ugly...I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'

What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? Beer nuts are $1.50 and deer nuts are under a buck.

I went to a meeting for premature ejaculators. I left early.

A man commented to his lunch companion: My wife had a funny dream last night. She dreamed she'd married a millionaire. You're lucky, sighed the companion. My wife dreams that in the daytime.

My wife was fitted with a coil. For about 18 months I hated it! She used to pick up CB signals.

A recent conversation: Dubya: Look at the clock, time is racing! Cheney: That's the second hand, George!

Of course, it's very easy to be witty tomorrow, after you get a chance to do some research and rehearse your ad libs.

I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday.

Hosting the Oscars is like making love to a beautiful woman - it's something I only get to do when Billy Crystal's out of town.

I thought 'Deep Throat' was a movie about a giraffe.

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.