Quotes About Health

I had a polynomial once. My doctor removed it.

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea…does that mean that 1 enjoys it?

British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Use an ashtray!

And when we take ourselves too seriously, we are grim about the brothers and sisters, especially the dissenting ones, and there will be no health in us and no healing humor.

I said to my girlfriend, you shouldn't eat before you swim. She said, "why not"? I said, you look fat.

About a month before he died, my grandfather, we covered his back full of lard - after that he went downhill very quickly.

You know the animal that kills the most people in the world? The Hepatitis Bee.

The arrival of a good clown exercises a more beneficial influence upon the health of a town than twenty asses laden with drugs.

When asked in his late 90s if his doctor knew he still smoked, Burns said, 'No ... he's dead.'

Old people have fewer diseases than the young, but their diseases never leave them.

I'm getting so old my insurance company sends me 1/2 a calendar!

An apple a day, if well aimed, keeps the doctor away.

It is bad to suppress laughter. It goes back down and spreads to your hips.

I commend you on all you've done for PETA, wrestling the one-eyed trouser snake with your bare hands, gently cuddling it in your arms, and nurturing it back to health.

I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I had lost exactly two weeks.

You shouldn't be eating anything that takes six minutes to microwave.

Housework can kill you if done right.

No mind is thoroughly well organized that is deficient in a sense of humor.

Thank you for calling the Weight Loss Hotline. If you'd like to lose a half pound right now, press 1 eighteen thousand times.

Smoking cures weight problems, eventually.

The patient says, "Doctor, it hurts when I do this." "Then don't do that!"

I told my doctor I wonna stop aging, he gave me a gun!

I'm a heavy smoker. I go through two lighters a day.

I take my only exercise acting as a pallbearer at the funerals of my friends who exercise regularly.