Quotes About Health

Dentists tell you not to pick your teeth with any sharp metal object. Then you sit in their chair and the first thing they grab is an iron hook.

The Doctor says, "You'll live to be 60!" "I AM 60!" "See, what did I tell you?"

If by being overstudious, we impair our health and spoil our good humor, let us give it up.

Physicians must discover the weaknesses of the human mind, and even condescend to humor them, or they will never be called in to cure the infirmities of the body.

I told my doctor I got water on my knee, he gave me a sponge and raised his fee!

The human body is in constant change the minute we're born. It's in a constant state of decay. We're all like Ford Escorts, just falling apart.

I had AIDS, but I beat it with Advil.

I feel very very old. My hair hurts. I have buttocks all over my body and I can't even smoke properly any more. I don't have lungs, I just have two poppadoms in here.

If health and a fair day smile upon me, I am a very good fellow; if a corn trouble my toe, I am sullen, out of humor, and inaccessible.

There's a new slimming course just out where they remove all your bones. Not only do you weigh less, but you also look so much more relaxed.

Is there a tumor in your humor?

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

Sun is bad for you. Everything our parents said was good is bad. Sun, milk, red meat...college,

My doctor says I must not have any serious conversation after seven [o'clock]. It makes me talk in my sleep.

A little chocolate a day keeps the doctor at bay

I'm over the hill for come-on lines. On a quiet day, I can hear my liver rotting. For exercise, I fall down. ~ Clete

They say laughter is the best medicine, and I agree. Plus, it's free, has no bad side effects and is available to EVERYONE.

If my liver cared enough, it would have told me to stop. - Jonathan "Jack" McVoy

Laughter is the only medicine, without side effects.

The only thing weaker than a toddler's handshake is their immune system.

Your key hobbies need to be long country walks (get some fresh air in those lungs!), masturbation, and the revolution. Between those three, you should, in the long term, stay relatively sane.

A balanced diet and a brisk daily walk will help keep you healthy, but there's nothing like a good-looking young man with a nice butt to help up your cardiovascular system.

You want some advice?""Yes""Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

I'm past competing in pissing contests. My jet stream is now more of a trickle. The only contest I'd win is the number of trips to the bathroom it takes to purge a 32oz soda.