Quotes About Understanding

The Sufi poet RUmi once wrote, "Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and right-doing, there is a field. I'll meet you there.

In the world of judgments, our concern centers on "who is what.

Yes, I can handle your telling me what I did or didn't do, And I can handle your interpretations, but please don't mix the two.

We know a speaker has received adequate empathy when (1) we sense a release of tension, or (2) the flow of words comes to a halt.

Likewise, if we find ourselves unable or unwilling to empathize despite our efforts, it is usually a sign that we are too starved for empathy to be able to offer it to others. Sometimes, if we openly acknowledge that our own distress is preventing us from responding empathically, the other person may come through with the empathy we need.

I'd suggest the best time to interrupt is when we've heard one word more than we want to hear.

When I behaved in the way which I now regret, what need of mine was I trying to meet?

contending parties approach each other with respect. They ask about each other's needs, and in an atmosphere free of passions and prejudices, they reach a connection.

Hurting people is too superficial.

If we wish for a compassionate response from others, it is self-defeating to express our needs by interpreting or diagnosing their behavior. Instead, the more directly we can connect our feelings to our own needs, the easier it is for others to respond to us compassionately.

What I want in my life is compassion, a flow between myself and others based on a mutual giving from the heart. —Marshall B. Rosenberg, PhD

Our need is for the other person to truly hear our pain.

Saying "thank you" in NVC: "This is what you did, this is what I feel; this is the need of mine that was met.

Note the difference between the following expressions of disappointment: Example 1 A: "You disappointed me by not coming over last evening." B: "I was disappointed when you didn't come over, because I wanted to talk over some things that were bothering me." Speaker A attributes responsibility for his disappointment solely to another person's action. Speaker B traces his feeling of disappointment to his own unfulfilled desire.

allowing others the opportunity to fully express themselves before turning our attention to solutions or requests for relief.

When we combine observation with evaluation, we decrease the likelihood that others will hear our intended message. Instead, they are apt to hear criticism and thus resist whatever we are saying.

They give the appearance that the professional is obtaining the information necessary to diagnose and then treat the problem. In fact, such intellectual understanding of a problem blocks the kind of presence that empathy requires. When we are thinking about people's words and listening to how they connect with our theories, we are looking at people - we are not with them.

We begin to feel this bliss when messages previously experienced as critical or blaming begin to be seen for the gifts they are: opportunities to give to people who are in pain.

behind all those messages we've allowed ourselves to be intimidated by are just individuals with unmet needs appealing to us to contribute to their well-being.

if my partner wants more affection than I'm giving her, she is "needy and dependent." But if I want more affection than she is giving me, then she is "aloof and insensitive." If my colleague is more concerned about details than I am, he is "picky and compulsive." On the other hand, if I am more concerned about details than he is, he is "sloppy and disorganized.

When we focus on clarifying what is being observed, felt, and needed rather than on diagnosing and judging, we discover the depth of our own compassion

However, the most powerful way to communicate that we are making a genuine request is to empathize with people when they don't agree to the request.

Choosing to request rather than demand does not mean we give up when someone says no to our request. It does mean that we don't engage in persuasion until we have empathized with what's preventing the other person from saying yes.

Conversations often drag on and on, fulfilling no one's needs, because it is unclear whether the initiator of the conversation has gotten what she or he wanted.