Quotes About Golf

I'm a golfaholic, no question about that. Counseling wouldn't help me. They'd have to put me in prison, and then I'd talk the warden into building a hole or two and teach him how to play.

There are two things that won't last long in this world, and that's dogs chasing cars and pros putting for pars

I'm not out there just to be dancing around. I expect to win every time I tee up

His nerve, his memory, and I can't remember the third thing

Jack Nicklaus was the first to bring in course management. He could go to a course and tell you within one stroke what was going to win. He used to set his sights on that because he could shoot it. He was the only player I know who, if he decided he wanted to win a tournament, could go out and do it. No one will ever be as popular as Arnold Palmer and no one will ever come close to Jack as a player

Years ago I had a 1-iron I could hit 260 yards through a doorway. Now I can hit it through the keyhole

When I'm on a golf course and it starts to rain and lightning, I hold up my one iron, 'caus I know even God can't hit a one iron

You don't know what pressure is until you've played for five dollars a hole with only two in your pocket

Putts get real difficult the day they hand out the money.

In case of a thunderstorm, stand in the middle of the fairway and hold up a one iron. Not even God can hit a one iron

Somewhere along the line I'll be recognized as one of the top players in the Nicklaus era. That's all I want to be remembered for

This place Augusta National rejects me like a skin transplant.

I never played much golf as a kid. I caddied quite a bit but never got serious into golf until about age 15.

If you are caught on a golf course during a storm and are afraid of lightning, hold up a 1-iron. Not even God can hit a 1-iron.

My swing is so bad I look like a caveman killing his lunch.

If you're caught on a golf course during a storm and are afraid of lightning, hold up a 1-iron. Not even God can hit a 1-iron.

You can make a lot of money in this game. Just ask my ex-wives. Both of them are so rich that neither of their husbands work.

Columbus went around the world in 1492. That isn't a lot of strokes when you consider the course.

You can talk to a fade but a hook won't listen.

People always say golfers don't smile. But there is so much psychology in golf so we have to be a bit robotic.

English humorist Alan Coren was surely wrong when he said that the only books guaranteed to sell well were those about cats, golf and the Third Reich. His book Golfing for Cats, adorned with a Swastika, could also have done with some Peak-Oil pie-charts and a centerfold pull-out of a topless Martin Heidegger.

A woman in Great Britain has died after being hit in the back of the head by a golf ball, on the first hole. Her husband was so distraught, he only played the front nine.

She gestured to the bag. What have you got in there? Nothing much. Some golfballs, a handful of tees, a Glock, extra ammo, two hand grenades, a tear gas canister, a knife, Tums, clean socks, flares, and some Ensure chocolate shakes. You took all of that with you to play golf?

When you live in Jersey a beach isn't enough. People have energy in Jersey. They need things to do. They need a beach with a boardwalk. And the boardwalk has to be filled with rides and games and crappy food. Add some miniature golf. Throw in a bunch of stores selling T-shirts with offensive pictures. Life doesn't get much better than this.