Quotes About Surprise

I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.

I went to look for a used car and found my wife's dress in the back seat.

Last time you bring me pie, I cut into it, with my tiny pie cutter, and millions of birds flew out hitting me in the eyes and the temples... it was a trick pie!

Nothing kills a party like an oversize metal hedgehog.

Magicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared. "Tom's gone!" "Is he a magician?" "No." "Then let's print up some flyers!"

I do dark [humor]. I like people who are silly and weird and people who are surprising and good at what they do.

The light you see at the end of the tunnel is the front of an oncoming train.

I find you can often find humor just by turning something upside-down. Like a... small child.

The secret to humor is surprise.

While I was gone, somebody rearranged on the furniture in my bedroom. They put it in exactly the same place it was. When I told my roommate, he said: "Do I know you?"

I once went out with this girl, she was no bargain either, she showed up with pigtails under her arms.

My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.

It's my wife Ruth's birthday soon. I said to her: "What would you like for your birthday?" She said: "I want a divorce." I said: "I wasn't planning on spending that much."

Who knew hitting my head and passing out would be so much fun?

A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street and . . . ooooohhhhhh, that's much better.

So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."

You have the Midas touch. Everything you touch turns to a muffler.

Nothing is better than the unintended humor of reality.

He'd been wrong, there was a light at the end of the tunnel, and it was a flamethrower.

Always mystify, torture, mislead, and surprise the audience as much as possible.

Visiting Future World is like opening a Chinese fortune cookie to read, "Soon you'll be finished with dinner."

Two peanuts walk into a rather rough bar, not looking for any trouble. Unfortunately, one was a salted.

Today I dialed a wrong number... The other person said, "Hello?" and I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?"... They said, "Uh... I don't think so... he's only 2 months old." I said, "I'll wait."

Changing a diaper is a lot like getting a present from your grandmother - you're not sure what you've got but you're pretty sure you're not going to like it.