Quotes About Shame

Shame thrives on secrecy, silence, and judgment.

Talk to yourself the way you'd talk to someone you live. Most of us shame, belittle and criticize ourselves in ways we'd never think of doing to others. I would never look at Ellen or Charlie and say, "God, you're so stupid!" Yet I can whisper that to myself in a heartbeat. p158

If you put shame into a petri dish and douse it with these three things, it will grow exponentially into every corner and crevice of our lives. The antidote to shame is empathy. If we reach out and share our shame experience with someone who responds with empathy, shame dissipates.

Talk to yourself the way you'd talk to someone you love. Most of us shame, belittle and criticize ourselves in ways we'd never think of doing to others. I would never look at Ellen or Charlie and say, "God, you're so stupid!" Yet I can whisper that to myself in a heartbeat. p158

The stories of our struggles are difficult for everyone to own, and if we've worked hard to make sure everything looks "just right" on the outside, the stakes are high when it comes to truth-telling. This is why shame loves perfectionists—it's so easy to keep us quiet.

I also learned that when you hold someone accountable for hurtful behaviors and they feel shame, that's not the same as shaming someone. I am responsible for holding you accountable in a respectful and productive way. I'm not responsible for your emotional reaction to that accountability.

I can recognize shame when it's happening.

But if we understand fear, blame and disconnection as intricately woven together to create shame, it becomes very clear why shame is so powerful, complex and difficult to overcome.

Shame needs three things to grow out of control in our lives: secrecy, silence, and judgment. When something shaming happens and we keep it locked up, it festers and grows. It consumes us. We need to share our experience. Shame happens between people, and it heals between people.

Shame is a social emotion. Shame happens between people and it heals between people. Even if I feel it alone, shame is the way I see myself through someone else's eyes. Self-compassion is often the first step to healing shame—we need to be kind to ourselves before we can share our stories with someone else.

If we want to reignite innovation and passion, we have to rehumanize work. When shame becomes a management style, engagement dies. When failure is not an option we can forget

shame corrodes the part of us that believes we can change and do better.

What's the difference between shame and guilt? The majority of shame researchers and clinicians agree that the difference between shame and guilt is best understood as the differences between "I am bad" and "I did something bad." Guilt = I did something bad. Shame = I am bad.

While shame is highly correlated with addiction, violence, aggression, depression, eating disorders, and bullying, guilt is negatively correlated with these outcomes.

Developing our empathy skills is not easy. Shame is a complex problem that requires a complex solution. Each of the four attributes of empathy requires us to know ourselves, act authentically and engage with others using our minds and our hearts. This act of empathy produces resilience to shame by countering fear and disconnection.

Great mothers know that they are worthy of love and belonging, and as a result they raise children who know they are worthy of the same things. Shaming other mothers is not one of the million ways to be a great mom.

Fess up to experiencing shame or admit that you're a sociopath. Quick note: This is the only time that shame seems like a good option.

Too many lonely and secret lives.

when we numb the dark, we also numb the light.

Shame is much more likely to be the cause of destructive behavior than the cure.

Rather than being a tool for connection, sympathy emerged in the data as a form of disconnection. Sympathy is removed: When someone says, "I feel sorry for you" or "That must be terrible," they are standing at a safe distance. Rather than conveying the powerful "me too" of empathy, it communicates "not me," and then adds, "But I do feel for you." Sympathy is more likely to be a shame trigger than something that heals shame.

When we hear others talk about their shame, we often blame them as a way to protect ourselves from feeling uncomfortable. Hearing someone talk about a shaming experience can sometimes be as painful as actually experiencing it for ourselves. Like

the most powerful need for numbing seems to come from combinations of all three—shame, anxiety, and disconnection.

shame is much more likely to be the source of destructive behaviors than it is to be the solution.