Quotes About Perception

Ronald Regan doesn't dye his hair - he's just prematurely orange.

They misunderestimated me.

What happens after you die? Lot's of things happen after you die - they just don't involve you

Every black American is bilingual. All of them. We speak street vernacular and we speak 'job interview.'

Now, I don't see color. People tell me I'm white and I believe them because police officers call me 'sir'.

I'm actually pale blue: it takes me a week of sunbathing to turn white.

What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?

What is the difference between astroturf and grass? I don't know, I never smoked astroturf.

Dogs are great assets to candidates, and the feeling seems to be engendered that if a dog loves the candidate, he can't be all that bad.

The hateful reviews are very funny. And sometimes you can enjoy a hateful review much more than a good review.

I don't try to be funny. It's just that I feel the world is a little bit absurd and off-kilter and I'm sort of reporting.

Democrats are dumb and Republicans are stupid, but the difference between dumb and stupid is dumb isn't funny. Dumb is when you say something and the whole room goes, 'What did he say?'

They love their hair because they're not smart enough to love something more interesting.

Yeah. Some people just don't understand when their facial hair starts to look ridiculous.

What is it like to be a bat? What is it like for a bat to be a bat?

There are a terrible lot of lies going about the world, and the worst of it is that half of them are true.

Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?

It's really funny, because if you make up words, then people project their own meanings onto it, which I find interesting.

A lot of my rhymes are just to get chuckles out of people. Anybody with half a brain is going to be able to tell when I'm joking and when I'm serious.

Responding to a question about remarks attributed to him that he did not think were his: "I really didn't say everything I said."

I've been on a calendar, but I've never been on time.

Truth, after all, wears a different face to everybody, and it would be too tedious to wait till all were agreed.

He has no enemies, but he is intensely disliked by his friends.

Go on, try weasel, try squirrel; it tastes like chicken, it tastes just like chicken! If it tastes just like chicken, why don't you gimme some damn chicken?