Quotes from Dossie Easton

When penetration is desired, the focus is on what works for the recipient: we have yet to meet a dildo that got hung up on its own needs.

When you find yourself responding to someone else's behavior, it can be easy to dwell on what that person has done and how terrible it is and what exactly they should should do to fix it. Instead, try looking at your own feelings as a true message about your internal state of being, and decide how you want to deal with whatever's going on.

Introducing your lovers helps prevent one of the scariest aspects of jealousy, which is the part where you imagine that your lover's other lover is taller, thinner, smarter, sexier, and in all ways preferable to funky old you. When you meet that other person or when your lovers meet each other, they meet real people, warts and all, and so often wind up feeling safer. Introducing

We think that relationship structures should be designed to fit the people in them rather than people chosen to fit some abstract ideal of the perfect relationship. There's no right or wrong way to do this as long as everyone's having fun and getting their needs met.

It is basic to any relationship, and particularly important in open relationships, that no one can own another person.

When you find yourself worrying about how you are seen by others, remember that there is no point in pretending you are anyone except who you are. It does you no good to attract someone who thinks you are somebody else: all you get is someone who is excited about somebody who isn't you. When you are honest, you attract the people who are interested in you, just as you most wonderfully are.

It's a very good idea for everyone to learn to live single—to figure out how to get your needs met without being partnered so you don't find yourself seeking a partner to fill needs that you could equally well fill yourself.

Sex that's limited to perfunctory foreplay and then a race down the express track to orgasm is an insult to the human capacity for pleasure.

Marriage today is the outcome government imposing its standards on personal relationships, legislating a one-size-fits-all mandate for how people in sexual or domestic relationships ought to run their lives.

Faithfulness is about honoring your commitments and respecting your friends and lovers, about caring for their well-being as well as your own. If

The important thing is to be aware of your needs and wants, so you can go about getting them met with full consciousness. If you pretend that you have no needs for sex, for affection, for emotional support, you are lying to yourself, and you will wind up trying to get your needs met by indirect methods that don't work very well. [...] Do not commit yourself to a lifetime of hinting and hoping

What you are not responsible for is your lover's emotions. You can choose to be supportive—we're great believers in the healing power of listening—but it is not your job to fix anything.

Remember, as you look at yourself, to look kindly, and also remember that you are not balancing a checkbook: anything you see that you don't like, or that you want to change, is not a debit that you subtract from your virtues. When you learn to reflect on your strengths, it becomes easier to look at your weaknesses with acceptance and compassion. Keep your virtues at their full value and cherish them.

How are we to teach our children to say "no" to an abusive adult if we are not frank about what it is that they should say "no" to? When we try to keep sex secret from our kids, they are aware that something is going on, but they don't know what. And if we leave them to get their sex information in the playground or on the street, from equally ill-informed other kids, we consign them to the jungle.

A ring around the finger does not cause a nerve block to the genitals.

It seems to me that faithfulness has very little to do with who you have sex with." Faithfulness is about honoring your commitments and respecting your friends and lovers, about caring for their well-being as well as your own. If

when you own your feelings, you have lots of choices. You can talk about how you feel, you can choose whether or not you want to act on those feelings, you can learn how to understand yourself better, you can comfort yourself or ask for comfort. Owning your feelings is basic to understanding the boundaries of where you end and the next person begins and the perfect first step toward self-acceptance and self-love.

We know from extensive experience that appearance and wealth are not predictors of good loving. We try to avoid ranking people as better or worse than each other and are unhappy with those who want to relate to our rank more than our selves. Hierarchies produce victims on the top as well as the bottom, because it is almost as alienating to be approached by too many people for the wrong reasons as it is to be approached by nobody at all.

Once you've gotten comfortable with "no," "yes" is usually easier. Try it, in all its variations: "Yes, please." "Yes, when?" "Yes, but I have some limits I want to tell you about first." "Yes, but I need you to talk to my partner first." "Yes, but not tonight; how does next Tuesday look for you?" "Hell, yes!

Only when we're all willing to own our emotions, and let our lovers and friends own theirs, does anyone have the power to change and grow.

When you are single, you have unique opportunities to deepen that relationship with yourself, to find out who you are, and to celebrate your journey in whatever relationships you may move through as you travel through your life.

Being single offers the opportunity to spend time being purely who you are. Singles enjoy more freedom to explore, fewer obligations, and the ability to lounge around the house in a holey T-shirt, playing video games, with nobody the wiser.

How many times have you rejected the possibility of love because it didn't look the way you expected it to? Perhaps some characteristic was missing you were sure you must have, some other trait was present that you never dreamed of accepting. What happens when you throw away your expectations and open your eyes to the fabulous love that is shining right in front of you, holding out its hand? Clean love is love without expectations.

Be nice to your body and then go find somebody else's body to be nice to, and somebody will be nice to your body, too. Someone who has happily given themselves as many orgasms as they want is unlikely to approach their other relationships in a state of sexual desperation. Sexual self-sufficiency is an important slut skill that makes us far less likely to play with the wrong person just because we're so horny. Be your own best lover.