Quotes from John Oliver

I would hate to meet myself at 15.

I have exactly as much rhythm as you think I have.

I do one accent - my own. I can make it louder or quieter. That is the sum total of my vocal range. I thought I could do an American accent until I tried it in front of an American - the expression of horror is still burnt onto my retinas.

I think Americans still can't help but respond to the natural authority of this voice. Deep down they long to be told what to do by a British accent. That's why so many infomercials have British people.

Armando Iannucci is one of my heroes. As I was growing up, he was probably the most influential comic voice that I had.

If you're asking me, would I have voted for Mitt Romney, the answer is absolutely not. Emphatically not. I cannot envision a world in which I would have voted for Mitt Romney unless I sustained a massive concussion.

You just try to be true to your idea of what is funny and what is also interesting.

My family is from Liverpool, so I have some of those vowel sounds, I've got the slack tone of someone from Birmingham, and then I was raised in Bedford, which is just north of London. So my accent, if it's possible, makes even less sense to a Brit than to an American.

Every empire has to get sucked down the drain. As a British person, I know how it feels.

I'm British; pessimism is my wheelhouse.

I wanted to be a soccer player. I knew that couldn't happen.

We invented words; we'll tell you how they're supposed to sound.

Pumpkin spice lattes are egg nog for morning people.

There is an inherent hope and positive drive to New Yorkers.

It's a great time to be doing political satire when the world is on a knife edge.

Teenagers falling off skateboards - funny. Nut shots - funny. Breaking wind - funny. The world cannot change those. Those three things are columns upon which humor is built.

The German language is so sonorous, isn't it? Beautiful language...the language of poetry. Angry, angry poetry.

Democracy is like a tamborine - not everyone can be trusted with it.

There are some people who watch NASCAR for the highly skilled driving - but most people watch it for the crashes.

There are so many low points with stand-up. You are perpetually humiliated, so it doesn't really matter anymore. I don't have any dignity left to lose. An audience can't hurt you anymore when you've been completely dismantled.

When you've married someone who's been at war, there is nothing you can do that compares to that level of selflessness and bravery.

You have to do stand-up quite a long time before you learn how to do it well. It was probably years before I was confident enough in stand-up that I was able to talk about the things I wanted to talk about, the way I wanted to talk about them.

It was probably years before I was confident enough in stand-up that I was able to talk about the things I wanted to talk about, the way I wanted to talk about them.

I know I'd be an absolutely horrendous politician.