Quotes from John Oliver

Obviously Christianity is the one true faith, but if Islam is correct, u are fucked. I mean you are power fucked." - John Oliver to Alex McFarland

France is going to endure, and I'll tell you [ISIS people who attacked Paris ] why. If you're in a war of culture and lifestyle with France, good fucking luck, because go ahead, bring your bankrupt ideology. They'll bring Jean-Paul Sartre, Edith Piaf, fine wine, Camus, Camembert, madeleines, macarons, Marcel Proust and the fucking croquembouche. You just brought a philosophy of rigorous self-abnegation to a pastry fight, my friend. You are fucked.

Democracy is like a tamborine - not everyone can be trusted with it.

If you want to do something evil, put it inside something boring. Apple could put the entire text of "Mein Kampf" inside the iTunes user agreement, and you'd just go agree, agree, agree - what? - agree, agree.

Believe it or not the war on Iraq is based on a sound scientific principle, The bee hive principle. Which clearly states that if you are stung by a bee, you should follow it back to its nest and then proceed to beat nest to a pulp with a baseball bat until the stripey little turd has learned its lesson.

The German language is so sonorous, isn't it? Beautiful language...the language of poetry. Angry, angry poetry.

While skepticism is healthy, cynicism, real cynicism, is toxic.

It is going to be too easy for things to start feeling normal—especially if you are someone who is not directly impacted by his actions. So keep reminding yourself: This is not normal. Write it on a Post-It note and stick it on your refrigerator, hire a skywriter once a month, tattoo it on your ass. Because a Klan-backed misogynist internet troll is going to be delivering the next State of the Union address. And that is not normal. It is fucked up.

I'm British, so obviously I repress any powerful emotions of any kind in relation to anything.

I have occasionally - if ever I do interviews that are difficult or nerve-wracking - I take my wife's dog tags and have them in my pocket because it's a very quick way to realize that what I'm doing is not that important. It's not really worth getting stressed about because it's not, you know, war.

I think it might honestly be time for the Sunshine State to officially change its motto to the Worst State.

I would much rather America was a more stable, wonderful place. You know, I love it.

I'm always interested in audience interaction. Not so much aggressive audience interaction - I'm genuinely interested in how people see things.

Having a human conversation is not something I've had any training in either as a comedian or as, you know, a human being.

You can write jokes at any point of the day. Jokes are not that hard to write, or they shouldn't be when it is literally your job.

I realize how desperate it sounds for me, as a comedian, to ask you to laugh at my jokes.

People are friendlier in New York than London.

Ads are baked into content like chocolate chips into a cookie. Except, it's actually more like raisins into a cookie - because nobody f-?-?-ing wants them there.

If I wanted to take a more activist or journalistic slant in work, I should probably just go be an activist or a journalist. But I'm happy being a comedian.

Most stand-ups, once they have done it, think of it as their default job. I'm pretty sure Jon Stewart still feels that way now. You are a stand-up first; other things come and go.

Here in America, people come out to see what they've known you to do. In England, it's like everyone comes out to tell you exactly how well they think you're doing.

I did sketch comedy, but I never did improv. So I've just tried to learn as I go.

I've always been interested in socially political, or overtly political, comedy.

I've always been interested in socially political, or overtly political, comedy. And I guess I've always liked to channel some kind of personal element to that.