Quotes from Pete Holmes

When I started, I was very deliberate about making friends with people like John Mulaney who were really funny and wanted to go up and do as many open mics as I did.

When I was in junior high, I went to a really hippy dippy Quaker school where we called our teachers by their first names and stuff.

A stand-up act is almost like a pool. You know what I mean? It's like a pool, and you're always skimming little leaves out of it, messing with the chlorine level, putting up umbrellas. You're trying to make one little stagnant body of water perfect. Whereas a late-night show is like a river, always moving forward.

When I grew up, my model of God was like a lifeguard: I knew He loved me, but He blew his whistle a lot.

Every human being can relate to wanting their thoughts and their feelings to be accepted and rewarded and validated. So in that way, a stand-up is similar to almost any profession. It's very simply just someone who wants to be heard and live authentically and express themselves.

I disagree with the idea that everything happens for a reason.

Starting the podcast was an experiment. I wouldn't say I was very private, but I was probably as private as the average person.

I'll admit that I'm self-centered - all of us are - but I can also be external and giving and listening and empathetic and all that sort of stuff.

I mostly do faces and sounds. That's what I do. Comedy doesn't have to be art.

The only Batman that doesn't need parodying is Adam West, but everybody else is fair game.

I felt like I was in a unique position, or I am in a unique position, to show the evangelical world in a way that I haven't seen on TV before. That's a world that I'm very familiar with.

So we have the story of who we are. I'm a man, and I'm a comedian, and I'm a tall man. I have big teeth and all these things, and I like the first two Batman movies, and I don't drink coffee, or whatever it is.

When you slide into television, no one tells you exactly how manage expectations and work with your staff.

I went and saw Letterman when I was 15, and that had a profound impact on me.

When you think about a festival from a comedian's perspective, it has to do with who else does it - that's number one. The second consideration - and this is kind of crazy - is: 'What's the food like? What is the town like? Is it walkable? Is it easy to get around?'

Life is temporary. We die one day. Live it up!

I call myself 'Christ-leaning,' but that's primarily psychological.

I think a good comedian was probably bullied a little bit. Probably felt doughy and oblong and rhombus-shaped and strange and a little bit of an outsider, and then learned the healing qualities of comedy.

I'm not religious anymore, but I was raised religious.

I can't speak for everybody. But I will say that for me, when I've been depressed - and I get depressed. I have irrational bouts of anxiety. I have random FedEx deliveries of despondency. Just like, 'I didn't order this. Oh, well, keep the PJs on, cancel everything you're doing today. It's time to take a sad shower.'

The beautiful thing about stand-up advice is that it applies to anybody, any gender, any race, any age. The best thing you can do - everybody will tell you - is get on stage as much as you can. I would add to that: get on stage as much as you can - with the people you admire.

When somebody comes across as authentic and genuine and sweet, people just want to spend time with that person.

I booked an E-Trade commercial. That's a lucrative gig.

I think it can be easy at a certain point to take it for granted that you can kind of perform whatever you want.