Quotes from Pete Holmes

In real life, T. J. Miller is one of my best friends, and I'll maybe see him for two or three days in a row, and then I won't see him for four months. That's just how our lives are.

We'd all like to increase pleasure and minimize pain, but the truth is, suffering, even collective suffering that we're going through, is often the earmark that some real change is happening.

When I used to work the road, I remember I used to ask myself in the mirror, literally, like in a movie, back when I was not very good at all, I'd say, 'What's it like being the greatest comedian in the world?'

There's something about a podcast that feels like two people in a closet with the lights off.

I'm not going to have the TV personality and be like, 'There's no bitterness. There's no ugliness.' There's bitterness. There's ugliness. There's pain. There's greed. There's malice, and there's hurt. That's all good stuff for any kind of art. I'm not necessarily feeding that side of myself, and I try not to encourage it too much.

Comedians really are like a species. That's not to be exclusive. Anyone can kind of become one. You have to pay your dues, though.

'Time to Move On' is my favorite song.

What I don't think I knew when I was young was that 'losing your faith' is actually part of the plan for a lot of people - that it's actually maybe the most beautiful and graceful thing that can happen. The mystery of God can handle all of it. It can handle all of your thoughts, all of your doubts, all of your folly. It's all in the game.

The underlying goal of comedy is feeling not-alone.

I think there's something so funny about Ram Dass. I was lucky enough to sit across from him at dinner once, and I got up the courage to tell him that he was my favorite comedian. Even though he's not a comic, he talks about showbiz in a certain way and understands that there's a presentation to it.

As soon as I heard the term 'comedy nerd,' I'd hoped there was a lot of them.

Whenever I make a blasphemous joke, I always say that I believe in a God big enough to know that I'm just kidding. How can God not know that I'm kidding? And also, how could God be offended at a thing that he made not believing in him?

I was raised evangelical, so if you want to get offended, let's get offended. I have a master's degree in being offended.

If I go out and do a set, there's a good chance that I'll watch another comedian. I'll think - not necessarily their words, but oftentimes the message that's behind the words - the sort of belief that their unspokenly advocating, well, sometimes that's offensive.

Sometimes I liken the comedian's lifestyle a little bit to a firefighter's in the sense that there's a lot of waiting and a lot of nothingness. And then there are moments of urgent firefighting.

The biggest idea of a good time for me is making the Batman videos that we did. That is my ideal day. That is exactly what I want to be doing... I like doing cartoons. I like writing things.

Audiences sometimes emit these weird frequencies that make you think you've weirded them out.

When you do stand-up, it's so autonomous: I can say anything.

I always wanted to do something about what it's like to get divorced, especially when it's a young marriage to start with.

Science would like to tell us that people laugh because of the benign violation theory, but comedy doesn't have hard rules.

I love alpha males.