Quotes from Jasper Fforde

I hadn't even heard of East Carmine, let alone thought I would be spending a month there on Humility Realignment. My friends were horrified, expressed low-to-moderate outrage that I should be treated this way and proclaimed that they would have started a petition if they could have troubled themselves to look for a pencil.

will involuntarily expel the spores in a single explosive death cough. THAT is the moment to panic and leap out of the nearest window--irrespective of which floor you're on, or whether it is open or not.

I tried to think of a reasonable opening line, as I had several things to say that could be described as witty OR intelligent, but not both. Quite WHY I needed to talk to her I had no idea.

Marrying for love was not forbidden; it just didn't make any sense.

He was shot dead in the old town during a bookbuy that went wrong.

O brave new world, that has such stories in't!

You don't like me, do you?' 'That would take effort,' she replied. 'Indifference is much, MUCH easier.

Well," said Lydia to the camera, "a revealment that could spell potential disaster for the Goliath Corporation and—" Her producer was gesticulating wildly for her not to connect "Tyrant" with "Kaine" live on air. "—an as-yet-unnamed tyrant.

You're talking about gold and silver, cash and securities. I'm talking about the sheer beauty of the land, the value of unpolluted parkland made wild and staying wild forever.

I would sooner stick needles in my eyes. And why are you holding on to your eyebrows?

That 'gleeful darting of the house martins' stuff sounds suspiciously like the work of Jade-under-Lime's resident verse mercenary, Gerald Henna-Rose.

Careful,' he said, 'Information can liberate but also imprisonate....

The most decorated service rabbit in history was RAF Navigation Officer Danielle 'Thumper' Rabbit, who ejected from a Tornado over Iraq when it was hit by a surface-to-air missile. She wrote about her time as a POW in Bouncing Out of Tikrit, and it was quite a good read, although critics did find fault with the overlong detail of Iraqi salad in the latter part of the book.

There were no characters or events written in, which was a shame—considering the work he did on the world itself, this might have been a bestseller.

La seguii, e constatai che quello scavo era di natura archeologica. Dei pioli conficcati nel terreno erano collegati da una cordicella, per delimitare l'area in cui quei volontarii picconavano il suolo, cercando di fare meno rumore possibile.

The front room of his house was what I called 'untidy chic'. Prefects weren't subject to the same Rules on room tidiness, but since no one really enjoyed clutter, a certain style of ordered untidiness was generally considered de couleur for a prefect's room.

Words are all very well," I replied coolly, suddenly enjoying the SO-5 woman-of-mystery stuff, "but a nine-millimeter really gets to the root of the problem.

Constance sent me a reply,' I said. 'Your poem went down really well.' 'That's a huge weight off my shoulders, Red. I hardly slept a wink last night worrying whether you two would fins the unhappiness you deserve.

We have it on good authority that they might disguise it as a double entendre in a bedroom farce and deliver it up the rear entrance at Comedy.

They turned their attention to the wardrobe that held several Armani suits, all of them individually tailored to fit Humpty's unique stature and held up on hangers shaped like hula hoops.

I'm the kingdom's Beastcatcher, so I have full emergency vehicle status. If you think a pair are about to conjoin, call 999 and yell 'Quarkbeast' in a panicked, half-strangled cry of terror. They's put you straight through.

saw a vision of the world and all the options there could be!

Ordinary adults don't like children to speak of things that are denied them by their own grey minds.

I don't know when I am going to be back, so listen carefully. Never buy a blue car or a paddling pool, stay away from oysters and circular saws, and don't be near Oxford in June 2016. Got it?