Quotes from Ralphie May

The comedians I always loved and respected the most were always filthy degenerates.

I'm a dirty, filthy animal and I'm a dirty comedian, but I got a lot of charisma and charm.

I'd like to be a U.S. senator from Tennessee.

My children are terrific babies.

I don't just live in a bubble in Los Angeles. I'm on the road all the time. I say hello to people everywhere. That way, you get to see what despair is around the holidays. People are making terrible choices: Do I have heat in the winter or food on the table? Decisions between filling the gas tank or buying a gift for a kid.

I know I wanted to be a comic when I was nine. I was thirteen the first time I did it. I was attending a Methodist Church youth retreat at the University of Southern Alabama. They held a talent show on the last night. I won, and then I made out with a 14-year-old girl from Prattville, Alabama.

Atlanta is interesting. You have high education rates but there are plenty of regular folks. People have degrees but chop wood on weekends.

I go out and I meet people after the show, I take every picture that they ask for, I sign every autograph that they want. You know, there's merchandise for sale, but people don't have to buy anything. I'll sign their tickets, I'll sign whatever they want me to, I'll get a picture with them and I'll stay there with them as long as they want.

My average fan works for about $20 per hour, if they are lucky enough to have a job. And then factoring in insurance, taxes and such, they're maybe bringing home $15 per hour. If my tickets are just under $30, it took them about two hours of their life to make the money to come see my show. Why shouldn't I give them two hours too?

I loved 'Celebrity Fit Club,' working out six days a week, running a mile and a half three times a week, and doing 1,000 crunches and sit-ups a day with a trainer. I did too much, but I lost 78 pounds of fat and 18 inches around my waist in four months.

I've been enjoying classes at the gym, where people look at me because I'm fat. At the end of the workout, they're sucking air and I've beaten them because I have more heart, because I had it much harder.

My audience has accepted me for a long time as, you know, not a fat comedian but a comedian who happens to be fat. That's a huge difference.

I'm dirty, I'm irreverent - but I'm still a very topical comedian.

I'm topical as hell. That's not going to change if I lose weight. There are a lot of comics that do 'fat jokes' better than I do - Louie Anderson, John Pinette, Gabriel Iglesias. These guys are phenomenal.

There's a big difference between being racist and racially insensitive.

There's certain stock lines that, you know, like heckler lines, you know, like, where did you learn to whisper, a helicopter, you know? Nobody owns those. I mean, someone first wrote it but it's been so universally used that it's common and it's called stock.

If we were all sitting around as different races and as different religions, if you were a real friend of these people, you would bust on them all.

So many comics, skinny and fat, make fat jokes.

The iPhone rules, but it does everything but get a call, you know? I can't tell you how many times my wife has been madder at me because cell phone coverage dropped and she thought I hung up on her.

Jay Mohr saved my life. That's not an overstatement either.

If people get their feelings hurt from jokes, then they are too delicate to be in society.

I'm blue collar, which means white trash with a job. But it also means people who take pride in what they do.

When somebody's different, it's so easy to dismiss what people say because of what they look like. They really want to judge the book by its cover.

I'm not PC all the time in my phrasing, because that meets a wall; people won't hear it.