Quotes from Ralphie May

Michigan... it's a great state... somewhere.

Comedy is not about appearance; it's about rockin' a mike. Are they laughing? That's the only test.

I'm so Southern that I'm related to myself. I'm actually my own cousin.

I'm too Southern.

If I can make you laugh and learn, I want to be like George Carlin and Richard Pryor and Eddie Murphy and Sam Kinison and Chris Rock and Dave Chappelle. I want to be of that ilk, I don't want to just make you laugh, I want to make you think.

People have been calling me names and setting me back my whole life. And with every fight it's just given me more fuel to my fire and in doing so I've become a success.

You talk to - I had a good fortune of getting to spend a lot of time with Uncle Miltie and guys like Buddy Hackett before they passed away.

I'm an entertainer first. But I do as a stand up comedian, the way for me to evolve is to make a difference, to make people laugh and learn and do something different. Because there's too many comedians out there just making people laugh. And anybody can do that.

We are all fingers on the same hand. We may not look alike, but we are all needed.

I think there's a bias against fat people on network television.

Some nights you walk off stage and go 'That was a good crowd.'

I'm honest, at the end of the day - I'm obese, but I'm not obtuse.

I think it's funny when stereotypes happen.

The perception of fat people in America is that they're fat, therefore they're dumb, they're lazy, and they must stink.

In L.A., fat people are mythical. We're like Big Foot. 'Oh, yeah, my cousin knows someone who's fat.' Nobody's fat in L.A.

I'm not your usual cup of tea.

The day you don't mess with somebody, that would be exclusive rather than inclusive. I strive to be inclusive.

I've been shortchanged and overlooked my whole life. And if you boo-hoo about everything, that's all you're going to do your whole life.

If you want to be called a dwarf you must be in immediate possession of a battle axe cause otherwise your just a midget with an attitude.

I'm a fan of old vaudeville theaters.

Vegas needs a really funny, dirty, late-night show, and I'll tell it like it is, I promise you that. And you gotta love the audience I bring in.

I'm even handed. I just point out the stupidity we all do.

I see the absurdity in things, and I think it's my job to point it out.

I think there's too much emphasis on making sure our corporations are OK versus making sure our people are OK.