Quotes from Bill Bailey

Relaxed Empiricism -- I only believe something to be true if someone I know quite well tells me if happened.

I got ham but I'm not a Hamster

This was my attempt to deter cold callers: "There's no past, there's no future, just one pulsating present... Please leave your message after the tone."

There's more evil in the charts than an Al-Qaeda suggestion box.

I tried to like it. For me, it was like being smacked around the head by a piece of IKEA furniture: it hurts, but you've got to admire the workmanship.

Three blokes go into a pub. Something happens. The outcome was hilarious!

It's not a beard, it's an animal I've trained to sit very still.

Thank God for Darwin, eh?

The scotch egg is such a Scottish food. It's as though a great Scottish chef said: I need a tasty snack. Let's take an egg... and wrap it in meat!! Makes it a bit harder.

How many amoebas does it take to screw in a light bulb? One, no two! No four! ...no eight!

American rock has a sort of self-pitying whine to it.

I know that to be a true fact because I read it in Heat magazine

I'm a vegetarian, I'm not strict. I eat fish. And duck, but they're nearly fish aren't they.

The BBC did a survey of the top 50 things to do before we die. Not while we're still alive, before we die.

I suppose you could be a member of a terrorist organization in a non-violent way, in the laundry or the catering department.

Nostalgia: How long's that been around?

I am a confectionery-based existentialist.

This shed does not contain me.

"God save our gracious Queen": Why would we invoke a non-specific deity to bail out these unelected spongers?

Welcome to the O2. A unique building in Dublin, in that it is actually finished.

But our country's equivalent of gritty reality is more like "Look out Sarge, he's got a shooter!"

There we go, that's it. I just hold my hand in this position for the next couple of hours.

But being in 'Doctor Who' is a dream come true. I've been a fan since I can remember watching TV.

Paddle boarding: it's the closest you get to walking on water.