Quotes from Bill Bailey

No win, no fee, no basis in reality. Just a room above a minicab office in Acton and a steady stream of greedy simpletons whose delusion is only matched by their clumsiness.

You picked me up from school You attended all my sporting functions You bought me a car Gave me use of a credit card But how can I feel pain, How can I feel pain, How can I feel pain When you're being so supportive?

like deja without vue, I am nothing without you

I was digging with a fork out of the kitchen drawer sewing tictacs , I didn't know what the hell I was doing. After a bit I got bored and just started burying cheap spoons to baffle the archaeologists of the future.

Creationists mainly are Americans who think the world was created in 1982 to coincide with the rise of Super Tramp but you can very easily dispute this by playing some of Super Tramps earlier albums.

Not so great in England at the moment; in an online poll we came last, we actually came bottom of European countries for quality of life, because of things like the weather, obviously, late retirement, poor holiday, poor public services, poor health service; it's basically just a kind of grey, godless wilderness, full of cold pies and broken dreams.

Welcome to the O2. A unique building in Dublin, in that it is actually finished.

It's always been my long-held belief that eventually insects will take over the world.

This is the news theme, but it sounds like pure Hollywood entertainment. It sounds like E.T. on a horse being chased by Darth Vader, which is something I'd love to see.

Not a very well-known fact, but on planes they always carry a trombone just in case there's a disaster and they need to keep morale up. All cabin crew - fully proficient in the trombone. And of course there's a double facility: if you ditch at sea, it can be used as a snorkel.

There we go, that's it. I just hold my hand in this position for the next couple of hours.

I tried to like it. For me, it was like being smacked around the head by a piece of IKEA furniture: it hurts, but you've got to admire the workmanship.

I feel sorry for James Blunt, he has to wake up every morning and think 'Oh my God, I'm James Blunt, what have I done?'

It's the augmented fourth, or diminished fifth, depending on your outlook on life...

Deep down, it really is just a meaningless lyric, isn't it? [Sings] "I got soul, but I'm not a soldier". I mean, you may as well be saying "I got ham, but I'm not a hamster"

Three blind mice walk into a pub. But they are unaware of their surroundings, so to derive humour from it would be exploitative.

A lot of people say there's a fine line between genius and insanity. I don't think there's a fine line, I actually think there's a yawning gulf. You see some poor bugger scuffling up the road with balloons tied to his ears, he's not going home to invent a rocket, is he?

I am Zebedee, lord of the woods! Bow down snail, I have dominion!

I got ham but I'm not a Hamster

Spiders are not insects, but in a war they will side with the insects.

It's not a beard, it's an animal I've trained to sit very still.

I'm a sort of like post-modern vegetarian, I eat meat........Ironically.

I was an only child but I never longed for a sibling. It just didn't occur to me.

Some musicians are a bit humourless about their art: they lose sight of the fact that as well as exercising their muse, they're there to entertain.