Quotes from John Bishop

When have you ever sat down with your mates and said, 'Look, tell me about your dad?'

I was looking for someone to represent me and an agent sat me down and said, 'I don't think there's anything to work with here.'

It's the people and their stories that make Australia great. The scenery isn't bad either.

I mean Ireland, in all honesty I owe Ireland a lot because I think, and I'm not just saying this flippantly, Ireland is probably the reason that I do the job I do because when I started doing stand-up I came to Ireland and I just sort of gelled with the idea of doing it the way I do - telling stories.

In fact, most married couples who live together would be quite happy to only see their partner twice a year, and to just worry about the color of their seats!

Some people are brilliant at being comedy actors and if you're a comedian I think there's a perception that, if you're acting at something that's meant to be funny, it will be funny all the way though and you'll be dropping in gags.

I was at a pharmaceutical conference in Dallas and bored out of my head. I'd split up from my missus and went downtown and had my kids' initials done, JLD, for Joseph, Luke and Daniel. Then I got back with my wife so I had her initials added during the Edinburgh Fringe Festival - after I'd waited a few years to see if the marriage would work!

I was going through a divorce so I wasn't having the best time, but I wasn't going to the doctor for Prozac.

I'm a big believer that if you touch it, you can believe in it.

The biggest thing that's ever happened in anyone's life is your family, isn't it? They're the most important thing in your life.

When I was 30 we had two kids, a third on he way. I was working for a pharmaceutical company. I had been married four years.

I have worked hard to be all the things that I thought a family man should be, but I probably could have done better by not trying to run a family like I was picking a five-a-side football team.

I wasn't aware so many kids were lacking basic things like a hot meal at night and somewhere warm and safe to live.

Everything else outside the world - Brexit, the global economy, global warming, everything - nothing matters as much as what's in your house.

When I was young, I only ever wanted a job where, when I went home, I didn't have to get a wash.

I'm not from the generation that took chances.

I want to do straight, dramatic acting so I do a hit show when you get chased by aliens!

The idea of being on a show and having a chat, that's one thing but I wanted to do something where you'd have one person and talk.

I normally put on Lycra or Speedos to plead with the British public to put their hands in their pocket for Red Nose Day.

I love pure joke-tellers, but if I go to see a comedian for a full show, I want to feel I know them more than when I came through the door.

I'm not saying everyone who has a problem in their relationship should be a comedian, but I think if you're to work things out you've to get out of the bunker.

I haven't met a comedian who is judgemental of other comedians.

I didn't want to do comedic acting because I don't think I am very good at it.

I am not entirely against horse racing. I even had a share in a horse syndicate with a few mates.