Quotes from P. J. O'Rourke

Inside every Sancho Panza there's a Don Quixote struggling to get out.

Opinions of language are as interesting as opinions of arithmetic.

I am unboreable in the great outdoors.

If we were to inspect ourselves or members of our family and our friends, we would see that we don't really have to go all the way overseas to be mystified - we can be mystified right at home.

Like Rick in Casablanca: "We'll always have Paris." When what we'll always have is, like, Brooklyn and arguments about [Lev] Trotsky.

Rahm Emanuel is, we are almost certain, a vampire.

The number of American presidential candidates varies with the sunspot cycle and the phases of the moon.

The inherent purpose of American government is let people seek their own goals and to encourage them to be responsible on the various adventures they have on their way to those goals, good, bad, and otherwise.

What Alexander Graham Bell thought up occupied less space than a flower vase. Now it's so small that I have to search all my pockets to discover I've received a spam text.

Californians are people who insist on growing their own vegetables, but they won't dig up the pretty lawn, won't plant anything for fear of getting dirty, and they use fragrant bath salts from The Body Shop instead of smelly compost.

Some day you will be wheeled in for a heart bypass operation, and a surgeon will be the person who is now behind the counter when you renew your car registration at the department of motor vehicles.

Funding for the original manned Voyager Mars Program was scratched in 1968, before humans had gotten out of Low Earth Orbit. Mid-'60s plans for a Venus fly-by with astronauts actually flying by it met the same fate.

I spend my days kneeling in the muck of language, feeling around for gooey verbs, nouns, and modifiers that I can squash together to make a blob of a sentence that bears some likeness to reason and sense.

It's the squares who know how to fly the fighter planes and operate the missiles and the bombs and work the M-16s. Liberals would still be fumbling with the federally mandated trigger locks.

Normally, the job sucks but work is kinda fun, because you see your friends and flirt with girls and stuff.

The question nowadays is not what makes government work. The question is how do we make it stop.

Stay away from girls who cry a lot or who look like they get pregnant easily or have careers.

A lot of things work better in a locomotive.

A friend of mine at the American Enterprise Institute says there are two parties: the silly party and the stupid party. I'm too old for the silly party, so I had to join the stupid party.

'You're stupid,' is not something even his most severe critics usually say to President Barack Obama.

Stupid is a great force in human affairs.

Earnestness is stupidity sent to college.

My working hypothesis is that stupidity in popular culture is a constant. Popular culture cannot get more stupid.

Seriousness is stupidity sent to college.