Quotes from Jen Lancaster

In marriage, and, truly, in life, someone must have the last word. Think about it; how often is the last word the hill on which we'll die? We've all had times in our lives when the conflict's finally been resolved and everyone's about to retreat to a neutral corner and then someone can't help themselves, saying one more thing, and then, bam! World War III. The last word sets the stage for whatever comes next.

If I identify with anything, it's being an American, which is why I despise how badly we've splintered as a country. The divisions between us aren't new, but the ways we deal with them are. We've lost the social norm of civility. I suspect what's changed is the attitude that we're all in this together. Now it's a me-against-you mentality, and we've turned into a country of aggressively poor losers and bombastic, graceless winners.

Dog People should be with Dog People and vice versa. If you're into chasing cars, it's hard to relate to someone who compulsively bats yarn.

In my three-pronged approach to worrying less about politics, step two is to stop reading political news on social media and to absolutely stop reacting to it.

All of us are in an ever-escalating arms race for who can be the most considerate.

fear good things happening because I believe something bad is sure to follow. Yin and yang, as comedy can't exist without tragedy. In my universe, pleasure and pain are opposite sides of the pendulum.

Per Mother Jones, "Nearly 70 percent of American adults say they get some of their news via social media."134 That equals a metric shit ton of misinformation being disseminated every second, which means a metric shit ton of livid tweets and comments and angry-face emojis in response.

do you want Zuckerberg's algorithms telling you what to think as they tailor your timeline to their predictions of what will prompt a response? Do you trust him? Did you even see his haircut while he was testifying in front of Congress? Why did no senator ask him to explain the '90s goth-girl baby bangs?

like it. And, hey, why do I have so much sand in my crotch?" Okay

Has no one suggested we lock Congress in the employee breakroom and not let them out until they can be nice and find a way to work with each other?

Looking back, my abstinence was less a function of convictions and more because I was too much of a dork to be invited to parties. One doesn't stumble into many dens of iniquity on the way to a speech meet. Let's be real here. I'd have snorted rails off a hooker's ass if a preppy guy named Kip or Trip or Chip handed me the straw.

If it doesn't cost anything, you are the product.

What's so scary is that mob rule has displaced due process. The faceless masses are America's new arbiters of justice. I'm so fearful of the court of public opinion that I've stopped saying anything of value online, stopped unpacking what's important in my life, stopped trying to forge any kind of understanding over social media.

She's going to show up at the Mexican border once she finishes the marathon to her car," Fletch says. I nod. "Sounds like it, yes." "And she's confident the border guards will simply stand there with open arms, all, 'Oh, apocalypse in the USA? So sorry. Come on in, friendly Northern Neighbor! You're totally welcome to all our resources! Here, have a chimichanga, señorita! You must be tired after your long trek.

fund-raising calls; I have to depose a witness that day!" Sure, Ruth Bader Ginsburg, that's fine. But when we can't buy new beakers for the science lab and your daughter's lack of a STEM education leads her to a life as a Hooters waitress, don't cry to me about chicken wings. Unfortunately

the more one Bes, Gives, and Gets, the more it perpetuates itself into happiness.

I'm terrified that one offhand joke, one out-of-context remark, will set into motion a public shaming, because I see it happen every day.

Let's discuss. On the one hand, Ashley thought it was okay to feed children Hawaiian Punch and Fritos for a snack, because apparently she couldn't get her hands on any Mexican black tar heroin. And yet she volunteered for the job of Snack Mom, which is a distinct selling point. Of

Love at first sight is only a thing regarding dogs or designer purses.

Dear friends are throwing away their long-standing, deeply satisfying relationships in the current political climate, tired of seeing opposing posts, each too swept up in the movement to remember that there's someone they love on the other side.

Accomplishments, both professional and creative, feed into this level, as do yearnings for joy, happiness, and glory, which are manifested through team activities, hobbies, and other forms of shared participation. In other words, that which brings us together—and tears us apart—in the name of esteem.

Mine was the first generation of latchkey kids, referring to Generation Xers whose personal identity was, in part, shaped by the independence their working parents fostered when they left us alone after school.

The more we look at food as fuel and the more we take emotions out of eating, the more likely we are to moderate ourselves.

I want to reframe the midlife crisis, making it into the midlife opportunity.