Quotes from Jeremy Clarkson

I don't think I am particularly funny. In fact, I know I'm not.

I read in the papers how much I'm earning and fall about laughing because I'm sure it's not that much; otherwise, I'd have an enormous boat. I'm literally not the slightest bit interested in money. I just don't pay any attention to money; it's rather vulgar.

Argentina and Burma. I have been to most of the countries in the world, but not those two. I want to shoot doves in Argentina. Burma, of course, because no one has really been there.

I'm a horse of a man!

Governments would rather spend their money on another bomber than education, and why do we fear black men when every bit of suffering in our lives has a Caucasian face attached to it?

Italy's youngsters complain, apparently, about having to live at home until they are 72 but that's because they spend all their money on suits and coffee and Alfa Romeos rather than mortgages.

[on the BMW X3] If you are clinically insane, by which I mean you wake up in the morning and think you are an onion, here's your car.

God may have created the world in six days, but while he was resting on the seventh, Beelzebub popped up and did this place.

I'd like to consider Ferrari as a scaled down version of God.

Selling through the internet seems to be a very good idea. There are a million areas that we can go to.

All this health and safety talk is just killing me.

I think people who watch 'Top Gear' think they're the only ones watching it, which I quite like, because it can hopefully last for a long time.

I have a pathological terror of falling through ice. I nearly drowned once. I fell off a boat and got a cramp, and was rescued by an oil-rig diver, a great bear of a man who simply leant into the water and scooped me out with one finger.

I like to be loved by my children, and I quite like the 'Guardian' hating me. I like it when I read they want me to die painfully. Then I think I've really got under their skin. It's like annoying a teacher. Once they've shown signs of weakness, you really can go for them.

I dish the dirt out, and I can take it. But why should my mother and children have to take it? In 20 years, I have taken any number of stories, most of which are not true, without a murmur of complaint. But some stories you have to draw the line and say No.

Do they think that, if left to our own devices, we'd all park on zebra crossings for a year? If they do, it means they don't trust us. And if they don't trust us, then the relationship has broken down and it's time for some civil unrest.

Maybe it's an attention-span thing. Music is now the backdrop to our lives rather than an event in itself. We put on a CD while we're doing something else. I can't remember the last time I put on an album and listened to it in a chair with my eyes closed.

Even NASA's most respected engineers have admitted to me, in private, that designing and building a supersonic airliner was a greater technological challenge than putting a man on the moon.

Mix an anorexic body with a heart made of pure fire and you are going to go with a savagery that's hard to explain.

To address this, we must wage a war on the militants. First, we must make it an offence, punishable by many years in jail, to ride a bicycle in anything other than what I like to call home clothes. Cycling shops selling gel for your bottom crack and outfits with padded gussets will be raided by the police and the owners prosecuted. This way, cyclists will be stripped of their uniforms and made to look like human beings.

Then there's the biggest problem of them all – the problem of being in an Audi TT when you are not called Angela. I do not know why it can be driven by only people named Angela, but that's a fact and there's nothing we can do about it. If you have a TT and you aren't called Angela, you have the wrong car.

I am aware, of course, that many men do hate the sight of their wife and children. Doctors even have a name for these people: 'anglers'.

The new MX-5 is like the new Ford Mondeo and the Subaru Legacy Outback. It is one of those cars that's absolutely brilliant ... and nobody buys it. You never see one on the road.

The next day I called my neighbouring farmers to say I was going to have a coronary, and they all had the same piece of advice. I had to accept whatever happens, because that's farming. They also said I had to be patient, which is not possible. I can't be patient. It's not in my DNA. It's a bit like telling Nicholas Witchell he has to be a Moroccan cage fighter.