Quotes from Jeremy Clarkson

Honest to God, the Qubo is so slow that if you climbed into one this morning in Hunstanton and attempted to drive south as fast as possible, coastal erosion would swallow you up by Wednesday evening.

Three chums would find themselves at a loose end for whatever reason and would agree to travel together to foreign lands for the purposes of cultural and spiritual enrichment.

assassin took his gun out of his crutch.

Wars battle cruiser has had sex with Edward Scissorhands, and what it does is breathtaking. The operator drives up to the tree and tells the machine what sort

Make no mistake, Concorde was an extraordinary technological achievement. Almost certainly, one of the greatest.

sips fuel like a mouse sipping sherry from a hypodermic needle.

But in my mind tractors are like penises. They cannot be too big.

I dish the dirt out and I can take it. But why should my mother and children have to take it?

The problem is that television executives have got it into their heads that if one presenter on a show is a blonde-haired, blue-eyed heterosexual boy, the other must be a black Muslim lesbian.

I'm not capable of having an affair. You can ask my wife. I'm not physically capable.

I like to be loved by my children, and I quite like the Guardian hating me.

Column writing is like gas - it fills the available space.

I started to realise that being impolite saves an awful lot of time and costs you nothing.

I don't often agree with the RSPCA as I believe it is an animal's duty to be on my plate at supper time.

If a football official were to call for a slow-motion replay every time Didier Drogba fell over, each match would last about six weeks.

That [Pagani] Zonda, really! It's like a lion in orange dungarees. Kind of fierce, but ridiculous all at the same time.

The problem is that television executives have got it into their heads that if one presenter on a show is a blonde-haired, blue-eyed heterosexual boy, the other must be a either black gay or a lesbian. Chalk and cheese, they reckon, works.

I've been told by the BBC that if I make one more offensive remark, anywhere, at any time, I will be sacked. And even the angel Gabriel would struggle to survive with that hanging over his head. It's inevitable that one day, someone, somewhere will say that I've offended them, and that will be that.

Speed has never killed anyone. Suddenly becoming stationary, that's what gets you.

I love Alfa Romeos and that [Alfa Romeo Giulia Quadrifoglio] was tremendous.

Nothing can prepare you for the yawning chasm of time that passes in Canada before the healthcare system actually does any healthcare.

I have had an amazingly fortunate life. I'm a child from Yorkshire, which is sort of like Cleveland without the pretty bits.

When I was 16, I wanted to look like Lord Byron. It's not really a haircut so much as a hair-not-cut, but I've never changed it. It's a bit Byron, a bit Don Juan DeMarco and other things that I aspire to be.

If you're thinking of coming to America, this is what it's like: you've got your Comfort Inn, you've got your Best Western, and you've got your Red Lobster where you eat. Everybody's very fat, everybody's very stupid and everybody's very rude - it's not a holiday programme, it's the truth.